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im feeling that as my post go i need to be completly honest with my entire situation, uh honest is not the word, id say explain a bit more. for starters yes i do have a doctor and i make "dang" sure to keep and make every appt and i knwo there are housing options out there.. i am not in school anymore i got my GED a year ago, im starting college in the fall
(btw that has NOTHING to do with this plan, i just signed up today)
I have no place to live as in homeless (duh) bouncing around from place to place well not really wanting to bounce around but i have no other choice...ive been approved for this rental thingy the guy is dicken me around so to speak.. i have no job ( im the size of a house) and itd be pointless to get a job work for a couple of weeks and then expect to have my job after the birth of my daughter.. thats just fooolish thinking and there are NO jobs up here and i have no vehical to even get to a job if i had one, i have my permit but no ones car to use to take the road test... i have absoulty NO family in this "po-dunk" state and my only friend is having a baby of her own probably the 31st of this month and i wont ask her for help and even if i did it would get me no where..so you could say i really dont have any friends my mother is in jail my fathers dead, everyone i knwo is in mass and are pretty much drug addicts...so when i say im alone..im not lying or kidding or trying to get some sort of pitty to go this huge ego trip.. ive never realllly had anyone.. it gets to me at times and other times i could care less and to honest i think, no i know i much better off alone... i dont push people away, im not mean, i dont do nasty things to people, i dont talk about people, im not saying im the holy grail... i can be mean if you want me to be... other then that i dont give anyone a reason to be mad at me... people just get sick of me and thats what ive come to think
i mean years and years of people just walking away and leaving you alone, how could you think any different?
you cant... and i dont mean just "people" i mean family like mom, dad, sister..the important people..
they all just walk away and i just sit and wait and wait some more for them to come back
because i love them and need them so badly it seems that there better off without me i had to have done something wrong in my life somewhere made a wrong turn.. said the wrong thing.maybe something so simple as of just not listening...i dont know, i could sit here and type out my life story to you folks but its rather Vulgar, you probably wouldnt even believe me, haha
im not detest to the idea of rasing my baby one bit id love to,
the reason why i dont talk about it is because I KNOW what i need to do though it be something i dont want.
my life is not in order and i will not allow myself to do that to my daughter. i knwo i dont knwo everything.
hell im just a baby myself.. but i knwo what she needs and im not saying i wont feel the pain, im feeling it now.
itll probably get worse, im ready for that, i havent accepted, but i understand completly.. and thats a start.
ive always wanted a family and i have one may it be small and only concist of Opal and I thats enough for me, But thats not enough for her.
I love Opal, so much.
I have to let her go.
I thought that If I let you out, you could be better then what your all about.
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