Hi, Quantum...
My son's parents were very involved in our reunion in the beginning stages. He had just turned 18 years old and was a very young 18 at that. So it was good for all of us, IMO, to really get to know each other. I tried very hard for the most part to show his mom and dad that I wasn't trying to take their place. There were some uncomfortable moments in the beginning while we were getting to know each other and discover how we all fit into the puzzle. On the whole, his parents and I were very respectful of each other. It was a bit harder on his mom than his dad, though. So I always made sure that I referred to her as his mom, and I refused to let our son triangulate between us. She felt more relaxed and at ease with me as time went on and she got to know me better. We had some wonderful, healing conversations back in those years.
My situation was different than your's, though, Quantum. My kiddo was a troubled young man with a serious drug addiction when I met him. So it was imperative that his parents and I kept the lines of communication open...that we made sure we were onboard together. It was necessary for our son's sake. We had to ensure that we weren't enabling his addiction. It made him angry at me at times in the beginning...he was no longer able to snow his parents after I came into the picture. I knew quite a lot about drug addiction and how to treat it, and he wasn't too happy when Mom and Dad stopped giving into him and enabling him.
The anger was short-lived, however. He's been clean and sober now for over 14 years, and he often talks about how grateful he is that we were all unified in our efforts to help him during his drug-using years and early recovery.
I've always tried to encourage DS in his relationship with his parents. I've noticed over the years that he seems to enjoy it when I ask him how they're doing and what they're up to. I always call them Mom and Dad when speaking to him. I think he's relieved when I talk positively about his folks because he doesn't have to deal with conflicting loyalties. And I know they do the same thing ~ often when we're speaking on the phone, he tells me that they've asked about me recently and tell him to give me their regards. I feel really good about that...it was so very important to me all those years ago that nobody feel threatened in any way. And we all put a lot of work and energy into forming relationships.
With your son's mom, my suggestion is to give her some time. I think it'll take a bit more time before she becomes comfortable with your place in DS's life. Time will take care of it, as long as everybody is treated with respect. Sorry I went on so long...you know me, I write tomes at time, lol.
