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I think sometimes you have to understand the why's of an adopted adult wanting to know about their birthfamily. To often the relationship part of reunion is given to much credence...IMO....bfamilies want "babies" back, adopted families feel they are lossing "babies". when really it about the person that was removed from bio family(whether the reasons were the best or the worst) and placed in a totally different ,new family. Even if the parents at the time were attila the hun and spouse the person adopted came from them. They may want to assimilate all parts of them(the bio and the person they became in adoptive family) and make the picture complete. they will have children of their own that are also a part of the bio family....In many cases adopted adults are NOT looking for new parents. That can't happen because the most important time of a persons life is chilhood when all the important devoplmental milestones are being achieved. the fact that that person experianced those milestones with a family that respects, loves, cherish, gives them the security and unconditional love totally changes who that person is to become. Even if their is a connection with bioparents when searched it can't not bring back childhood and change the course of who that person will become. Often its not about any of the parents when a person searches but about the adoptee finding pieces of themselves.
In your case, I think the abuse would be cause for fear. I would be very leary of an 18 yo searching those circumstanses unless they were told the raw truth in a compassiate way and have that followed up with counseling and exploring what they were actually looking for, exploring some of the different scenarios that may occur( both good and bad). People change they do get better, sometimes they don't.
The point is they are searching for themselves...not to hurt anyone else.
Thats the total package of what you have adopted, I think if you can attempt to understand(and I know its hard) and respect the feelings of the child and hide the sting it will put you more in the parental mode..not less.
I was adopted at the age of 2 1/2. I was in 6 differnt foster homes. I have no idea if I was abused or not( ireally don't think so) and my mom and dad fulfilled the parent need as a child, they also(mostly mom) understood my need to search and never vioced a judgment on me ssearching. They were concerned about me and the effects it would have on me.as a 50 yo now...I have the utmost gratitude and love for my parents for loving me enough to understand...and respecting my choices.
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