[BrandyHagz]

I have a rather interesting situation – recently, I spoke to my daughter’s mother and we talked about things that are going on. Our relationship has been a struggle since events that took place almost a year ago. I have tried hard to deal with them in my own way, but I admit, I am having a difficult time putting things behind me, especially since certain things that created the ‘issues’ we have now are still taking place.

At any rate, during this discussion, she shared with a discussion that my daughter’s father had with her while she was visiting him. The topic is polarized, the message (at least, what I think the message was) is something I support – however the method of delivery etc really bothers me…

In a nutshell, he basically said that women who have sex before marriage are whores and are unworthy of children. He also said they would forever be losers, etc and that they had zero self worth, because they had no worth to speak of (to themselves or others).

I think, what he was trying to say, was that premarital sex is a bad idea – at least I think so. I don’t disagree.

What resulted is M applying this to me.

Prior to the events which took place last year, we had a fairly decent one on one relationship. We talked via e-mail and IM and even on the phone from time to time – but events since then have resulted in our communication basically coming to a halt. The bottom line, she has enough to deal with and while I want to be there and I am there for her if she needs someone to talk to, regardless of what has happened in the past, she needs to focus on things in her everyday life and put ‘adoption’ on the back burner for a while, I get that.

What I wasn’t prepared for was being used as a pawn in the difficulties going on in her family – basically, I have become a party to a very nasty, very vengeful and very difficult divorce – not only is one parent bashing the other – one of them is bashing me too. Unlike the other parent, I am unable to defend myself, because I have waited on the sidelines for her to come to me – rather than pushing myself on her.

I know, for a fact, that one party is blatantly bashing me and I think – or at least I hope – M is smart enough to see past all of that and look at the realities of the situation. However, it is the inadvertent (or heck, maybe it isn’t inadvertent) blows I seem to be taking, which seem to be altering her view of who I am.

Getting down to brass tacks – Mom mentioned me or something about me and M was real nasty in her response (using some of the words I used above that dad used when discussing premarital sex).

Again, I don’t disagree with the overall message (although, I do disagree if this is the only type of sex education that is going on, given the history she has to deal with (I will NOT defend this, don’t call it into question, I have EVERY right to disagree)!) but I do disagree with its delivery and I very much disagree with the fact that little effort is being done to discuss the realities of ‘the way it went down’.

I know this is likely something other birth mothers in open adoption have had to deal with – although, I know there are very few of you guys here who have children in their teens (Brenda, I know, had a son – but I wonder if it is the same with a son? I would guess that it would be similar, from the male perspective, but I don’t know. Brenda?)

My dilemma is more along the lines of, how do I fix this without totally doing to dad what he did to me (discounting everything about him and making him look like a huge BOOB) – I honestly feel like I shouldn’t HAVE to do anything – but as I said above, it’s nasty, dirty and vengeful – and I doubt I’m going to find that dad has fixed this, simply because of other things he’s done, which indicate he’s trying to get me to drop out of their lives – even though he seems to be the only one who wishes that – at least he used to be – now I’m not so sure about M.

Thoughts?

Direct contact with Dad is out of the question.

Mom, I would venture to guess, would be unwilling to ‘fix’ this – as it would appear she’d be ‘flying in the face’ of his parenting – thus resulting in one more ‘nail in the coffin’ of their cooperative parenting agreement.

Am I off base in my thinking that I just need to document things – write letters, keep a journal and wait till she’s ready – even if that’s 20 years from now?

It’s just so hard to think about not having her in my life on some level. I will, of course, respect her desires – and I have said all along (from my first interactions in the adoption community) that she is the driver in this relationship – if she decides she’s done with the ride, then that’s that – it’s her decision to make and as hard as it is (or will be) I will respect her right to make that decision and allow her the ability to decide what she wants from me, if anything at all.

But I’m crushed. Deeply, mortally and unshakably crushed.