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I havent been on for a few days for the reason was i needed not to think.. i spend my nights crying and my days shut off. the only time i truly say how iam feeling is here..feelings, emotions and vulnerability are all things i was taught to keep in side
"if you show them you are weak"
i know thats not all true but unfortunalty iam myself and set in my ways.
Allowing emotions to overcome logic, is very hard to do. you see ive been writing letters to my daughter now for almost five months and to be honest iam rather blunt in the letter, thats just who iam, i dont ask her for forgiveness, i ask her for understanding, and i cant get over the fact, that i know, when she meets me again she will not love me the same.
i stunded myself last night in the last letter ive written and it dawned on me, i wrote..
"In my belly you love me"
i cant begin to explain the feeling of weakness and pain i filled myself with reading it over and over, mind you not even saying it out loud for her to hear.
i wish she would remember every moment that we lie in bed, because i know i will.
it hurts to know she will not remember me and all that ive said to her, when shes older it wont matter..
i prayed to God the other night, the first time in years, i asked for strength and for him to listen, to be there when she is born, to hold my hand..ive never slept better, no that doesnt mean ive "regained" my faith i just found a piece that was lost in this "mess"
ha, i think what i really need is a hug, gosh i havent had one in years, i wish i was lying..
i just miss my mom
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