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my days are numbered and im freaking out, and due to my stress, im losing weight, its not a good thing i feel as if ive created all my stress, self inflicted? i try and try to just "relax" but nothings working..if its not my friend, its my mother who is in detox at the moment i know shes where she needs to be but, when someone tells you not to worrie you do, just as if someone was to say "dont look!" what do you do? you look i know i need to focus on myself and my daughter, ive been thinking latley that if i dont think about myself nothing will go wrong, as in if i dont medle with myself nothing will go wrong..but things have gone wrong im running around in circles in my head and even in this post, im not sure what im trying to say anymore, my words are meaningless. im just sad, im not depressed, just sad.
i feel like ive been forced into this because of my life, my like has forced me to make all if not many of the choices ive made, but there i go again blaming this on something else, maybe the problem lies with me..
thats something i dont want to admit.
i know i should talk to someone with a degree in this sort of thing, ive tried they dont help, first i have to admit what my problem is befor i try to conqure anything else, if i realise this then why havent i changed? i have issues ive carried around with me sence my childhood and i think in a sick way she will have to go thru them, like i wouldnt ba able to protect her.. from what i know, from where ive been, what ive seen, i dont want her to be sheltered, i cant do that to her
Am i making any sence?
i dont think i am... i wish i knew what was wrong with today. there are things, reasons i will never admit to anyone not even myself and when i think about the truth, the honest truth, i turn my self off like some sort of switch. horrifyed, discusted and shocked at my train of thought
it makes me come to the conclusion that she would be better off if she never knew me..
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