[cksmom]

Originally Posted by didi20

I really appreciate everyone's support on here..I'm so new at this that i'm afraid to offend anyone and if i do i just want to say its only because I haven't accepted anything yet and its not on purpose...

what hurts me? everything even just reading these posts and posting always has me hysterically crying...i am angry and can't forgive her for not coming back for me even though i'm grateful for my afamily and my wonderful life...i'm angry and jealous of anyone adopted or not who knows what their bfamily looks like and why they are the way they are...i get so angry and jealous and just feel like its so unfair that i don't care how rude or stupid or mean i sound...i hurt because i love her so much and continue to fantisize about the day she'll be waiting for me with open arms and hug me and tell me she loves me and has missed me everyday...i am angry and hurt that i will never meet her and never get the answers to my millions of questions...i am angry that it hurts so much i don't know how to deal with it...and it makes me just not want to think about it ever again...i feel like no one will ever pick me first to love or to keep because she didn't...its a struggle for me even to get on here and read or post because i know how much it hurts...i'm angry because the more i talk about it the worse my ed gets...i'm mad because i don't know how to deal other than my ed and i can't seem to find any adoptees with eds that could help me...i don't know if any of that made sense but that is just how i feel...i want it to stop hurting so much...i'm afraid to forgive her because i don't want to let her go and i think if i forgive her i'll forget her...i also feel like i can't forgive her...i'm don't want to wish i wasn't adopted because i do...again i'm sorry if this sounds like i'm an awful person...and i really do appreciate all the advice and support i'm just trying so hard to learn how to accept it and it just hurts every time i think about it...i've become so good at bottling it up or taking it out with my ed that i dont even really know how to access my feelings about it...

I'm sorry you are in so much pain. Your pain and perception of your adoption is very similar to my brother's. Your birthmom did not keep you because something was wrong with you. Chances are she did want you very much and knew she couldn't handle it. I think you need to understand that she couldn't come back for you. She signed her rights away, as hard as that had to be. She obviously made the decision and knew she had to stick to it. This has nothing to do with you. You were perfect and wonderful.

Also, when you are ready, look for her. There is a very good chance you will find her. But I think you need to do much healing before then to prepare you. You MUST be prepared for a less than perfect reunion. It happens all the time and once again, it's not about you, it's the b-mother struggling with her own feelings of guilts, shame, depression, fear etc. There of course are very positive, open arms reunions BUT be prepared for anything. This is where I am and struggling. I found her, made contact and things were going great and then she pulled out. So now I wait. I *know* this is not about me but she is dealing with 38 years of pain, I represent all that pain. She is also afraid of losing her life since my birth.

So please know, reunion is hard. waiting is hard. not knowing is hard. Please work through it with a therapist and/or coming here and reading and posting. I just joined and already feel so much better just being here.