[SchmennaLeigh]

I usually say/type/write exactly what I mean when I'm writing. And I did this time as well. This thread was not intended as any form of mocking. It struck me as very interesting, both what the adoptive parents had/have written and what we, as birth families, feel with regard to the question. Trixila herself thanked us for our opposite side of the spectrum replies.

I think, quite honestly, this was a fabulous thread full of heartfelt and well-thought out answers just like the adoptive parent thread.

Now that we've got that mess out of the way..

I'm really having a mental battle with myself over better vs. not better. There's SO much loss tied into placement. That loss in my life surely doesn't always feel better. BUT?

Well?

That loss has made me a better daughter. A better friend. A better wife. And a better mother to my children. I am more compassionate towards others plights. I am more aware of how my words affect others. (And I am more cognizant of when my words have hurt others and much more expeditious with my apologies in the post-placement years than I was in the years prior. I'm a stubborn soul, however, and sometimes still get stuck in the "I WILL WAIT FOR YOU TO APOLOGIZE FIRST" mindset. This is something I recognize as one of my deeper flaws.) I could type for eons as to how I am a better mother to my parented children because of that loss (and perhaps I need to sometime soon) but, simply put, I am.

And yet, flip side, placing destroyed my self-confidence. It's taken me years to rebuild to the point that I am today. And, even then, I have times where I am more vulnerable than at other times. While I can usually debate my side and stand strong in my beliefs, opinions and experiences, at other times I feel like that helpless expectant mother and let the words of others cut like knives. I also have become much more reserved, which probably isn't initially a bad thing if you knew the old me, but it has gotten to the point where I hate meeting new people and being in new social situations.

As you can see, I'm still debating with myself.

My worry, of course, and thus the reason for the extended internal debate, is that ... I don't want my daughter to think that her existence worsened my life. And then, at the same time, I don't want her to think that giving her away, to use the archaic terms, was the best thing that happened in my life.

Truth be told, it falls somewhere in the middle. I am neither wholly better nor strictly worse for having placed. I have changed, grown, learned, lost, grieved and, well, here I am.