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Thanks to everyone for all the replies..they are so thoughtful and helpful! Just a note of clarification for binkybear and any other who might see us as "lying"...I am K's mother and dh is her father. That is her truth. J is her bmom and no one has ever told her differently. I (and I believe the therapists who shared there opinion earlier on) believe that it is entirely appropriate that IF ASKED at some point in the future (presumably when they are old enough to understand) by the grands, the answer would be "Yes, your aunt K did grow in Aunt J's uterus (speaking of factual info and all) and then came to be our child". WE (K and her parents) are not the ones who have a reality issue. This is her reality. It is fact. I do not mean to diminish her role as first parent...I struggled for the first several months of this child's life to assist J in parenting her. I desperately wanted for both of them to be mother and child forever. It was not MY choice nor was it K's for J to make the choices she did that lead us to where we are today. (I do believe there is a huge difference in first parents who make a concious and conciencious plan for adoption for their children and those who selfishly chose to get pregnant and then decide several months after they have the child that they'd rather party than parent, which is where we are.) That surely sounds mean, and I'm sorry. But all that said, I believe it takes a hell of alot of nerve to then post photos of her son, her baby-daddy's daughter, and K (and none of the other kids in the family) and hold them out as HER children. This is just a small example of the whole this -is- MY -daughter thing that I think is beyond the pale.
The therapists didn't offer advise to the contrary of an otherwise happy and healthy family. THEY (J and her mom) were happy, I was miserable. I was also disrespected and invalidated. Notice that that is also now K's situation.
There are grandparent adoptions that are done differently where the children are raised by "nana and papa". If it works for them, fine. But in our case, K had bonded with us (they lived in our home since she was born) as Mama and Daddy, long before her adoption. I truly am curious to know from those who think we might have done it "better/differently": Would K have been better off to have been reminded when she called us mom and dad that we were not? The many occasions when I'm at school functions and someone says, "You must be K's mom.." would she have been better served for me to have had to say, "Why no, I'm her step-grandmother'? Thousands of situations in her lifetime have been easier for her and more TRUTHFUL by me being her MAMA than her grandparent.
Yes I believe generally in honesty and openness in the adoption process. But we must be very careful not to suggest COMPLETE honesty, right? By suggesting that not telling the little grands that K grew in J's body and is therefore her bchild before she was my adaughter is LYING, you might be suggesting that I also share that J was a completely neglectful and horrid parent to her. "Yes, J was her firstparent, and she would leave K for days and days at a time with us and we didn't know where she was. She didn't provide for K and was completely neglectful. The last straw was the day I found K, at 17 months old, sitting ALONE on the steps of our swimming pool with prunny little toes while firstmom J was asleep inside with her lover". Hows that for honesty? I don't think that by not telling the grands (or anyone else for that matter) is lying. And thank you again, very sincerely, as all opinions matter to me.
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