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Didi,
You never have to search unless it is something you wish to do and are ready to do it.
It is really hard to recommend books. The books I have read are really focused on the closed era of domestic adoption. I read The Primal Wound and The Girls who went Away. I started to read The Primal Wound and stopped and read The Girls who went away first. I needed to understand what my mother went through based on her reality, not todays reality.
What I do know is that the majority of birth mothers would have done just about anything to not have to surrender their child, but at that point in their life they had no real choice in the matter. Giving up a child is something no parent should ever have to do, but it happens and it hurts everyone, but is done in the hopes of giving the child a better life.
It may help you to pop over to the birth parents forum and read about how they have struggled and are still struggling with the pain of giving up their child. They may also have words of wisdom to share with you in your journey to find yourself.
Personally I love the idea of writing to find peace. I hope you will pursue this avenue.
Never ever feel that you are wrong to feel this pain, it is normal, the challenge is to face it and find the path to acceptance of the past and a way to heal.
Your birth mother may not have physically searched for you, but never doubt she thinks about you, mourns for what could have been, and hopes that you have a good life she was not able to give you for whatever reason.
Kind regards,
Dickons
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