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Working on family (niece) adoption here, too. We've had fd over three years (long story), adoption should get filed and finalized very soon (we hope).
It's really tough. OTOH, I think it is healthy to be honest about the facts of the situation: "I gave birth to K and she is your halfsister by birth but grandma and grandpa adopted her and so she is really now your cousin." C may be too young to get all that, but eventually.... I don't think it would be healthy to make the birth a family secret or keep it from the other grandchildren. That I'm sure would bring more toxicity with it than honesty.
OTOH, it is K's story and she has a right to keep it close to her.
OTOH, some things just are, and we have to live with them and in the long run it's better to say, OK, that's how it is, it has no power over me now that I've said it, I can move on.
OTOH, it sounds as K is at a sensitive stage of life where she doesn't need to deal with such things. She knows it, she can sort through it later when there aren't so many other changes in herself to deal with.
As for the introductions, I would make it clear to them that if they introduce K as a daughter, you will pipe with "and we're so glad we've adopted her!" Difficult for you and K, I know, but it puts everything right back at them so that they will absolutely understand that they can't tell the truth without telling the truth.
As for the photos, if stepdaughter can get upfront about the adoption or id's it as her sister, I see little wrong with displaying photo, sending the message to K that although she didn't parent her she has a special place in her heart...that may consciously bug or embarrass K now, but I think it is something that, if not there, might hurt more and longer.
As for telling stepdaughter that she is an embarrassment, I don't think it is necessary to give that reason. I think it suffices to say that K does not want stepdaughter talking about her as a daughter, period, and is not currently comfortable with sharing her birthstory with people outside the family. That it is more K's story than stepdaughter's and if stepdaughter cares about K and how she feels about her at all, she will respect that. If stepdaughter wants to argue it, just tell her that, right or wrong, that is how K feels and if she wants to keep any connection to her at all, she will need to respect her feelings.
So, how's that for a wiffle-waffle answer?
I hadn't thought, in our case, of the younger cousins who are cousins no matter how you slice it. The half-sisters on each side are older, teen and young adult, make a pretty good effort for that age group, especially long distance, but aren't really into being full-fledged sisters, either--more a phone call on a birthday if they remember, a holiday gift and/or call, that sort of thing. She has two half-brothers whose father does not want contact. I'm not even sure if the boys know about her (their sister might not tell them, IDK).
For her part, it seems like too much to deal with, really. She likes to know that they are there, who they are, but the effort to establish relationships is beyond what she wants now. First mother still signs notes "mom," knows better although she is incompetent, we tend to let it go with compassion. If she were on the scene and not long distance, that would probably be a different story. There is no direct contact.
It sounds as if you are a truly caring person who has been negotiating all these issues very well up to now...certainly dealing with a difficult situation with more level-headedness than I might have in the same situation. Good luck with this one.
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