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feelinggreyt...your situation sounds very much like mine! It is amazing to me that they say and do these things!!
I should mention that J (bmom) is 31, so we are not talking about a young person.
Raven...I totally agree that she should not be cut off from her dad. In fact, we make efforts to see her and her son during the day while dd is in school so that we can enjoy their company without "complications" and she has never noticed that this is what we are doing. If we are forced by HER choices to discontinue contact between K and J, then we will continue to see J and her son somehow. I really don't see how we would ever completely cut off all contact, as we are a close and large family, claiming members far and wide on all sides of the family. I rather see it as a more deliberate version of what I have been doing over the last few months, which is manuevering things so that when she visits us (which isn't often anyway), she just doesn't have the opportunity to speak to K alone. And she absolutely doesn't have the opportunity to take K away from the house. But I haven't SAID this to J, I just haven't let her...the couple of times she's wanted her to go somewhere, I've made an excuse/that sort of thing.
This became necessary when, the last time I let her go with J to visit bgrandmom early this summer for a couple of hours, J told K that she could "come and live with her if she wanted to when she's a little older". Right.
It is time for me to have a discussion with J. Her dad says it is a waste of breathe and will only upset me. He says he's already talked to her a couple of years ago (he did) and that it is hopeless to do so again. She's just like her mother and will do what she wants regardless of what's best for K or anyone else. He will support whatever I decide.
So what do I say to someone who is not capable of seeing the world thru anyone else's eyes, as one of the therapist's said? I don't think it is harmful (it is neutral, I think) for her to have rare, brief family-type visits where she is not allowed to try to speak to K alone (she doesn't refer to her as daughter openly in front of us). Do you guys think so? But I don't know....the complication of her having told the son this is his sister (over and over again, K says) just sets up a situation where K is burdened by being expected to act a certain way or do certain "sisterly" things. It gives her a job. What do I say to J?
The whole thing began when I visited several therapists, trying to find a way to include J and her mom in dd's life, in the most appropriate way. I was told in no uncertain terms that it smacked of "incestuous" tones to have her be "mommy J", while dd had been calling the dh "daddy" (My granddaddy is my daddy, sort of thing.) The roles had to be clearly defined, and we were told by all of them to COMPLETELY cut off all contact with bmom/her family. Well, we didn't believe we should do that! She is my stepdaughter, for pete's sake! K was delighted with the idea that J could be her special sister forever! This was a chance for J to get to have a loving and close bond with her for a lifetime...but she has blown the opportunity, IMO.
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