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This sounds like a very tough situation for your dd and your entire family.
Your daughter is right , a child should not have to be the one to put a stop to this drama. IMO, you should tell your stepdaughter that her refering to K as her child is putting a wedge between her and your dd. Explain to her that, yes, K is her bdd, but she is not parenting her and it really upsets K when she refers to her this way.
Tell her that if she continues to do so you will have to stop ALL contact as this situation is not healthy for K.
The thing is, IF K wanted to be refered as your dd and her bmom's dd, that would make all the difference in the world. But the fact is, as you stated, K doesn't like it AT ALL. If your stepdaughter really wants what is best for K, then she would respect her wishes and be whatever it is K needs her to be. Any positive relationship they could have has got to be better than the one they have now, where K feels uncomfortable. As a parent, J should understand this.
This are just my thoughts on this....hope it helped!
BTW, we are in a Open Relative Adoption(dh's family) as well and we live in the same area. It ain't easy, thats for sure!
It bugs me when the biogreatgrandmother and bgrandmother refer to my son as his bmom's son. They will introduce him like she is parenting him or something, and I'm just standing there holding him while she's gone to WHEREVER and will be right back! Of course, everyone they introduce him to knows the situation, but it still grates on my nerves. The most recent time was at the funeral home and a lot of these people knew the situation, but I didn't know them. I felt really awkward. I was soooo glad that we didn't stay long!
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