[didi20]

Thank you all so much for the advice!! I don't know what does work for me or even how to control my feelings...right now i haven't accepted it and i'm not ok with it...i constantly make jokes about it and pretend that i'm not really adopted...i never talk about it so i feel like i found out all over again if that makes sense...i am not seeing my therapist anymore because my insurance cut me off and i'm a full time student so i can't afford it...i am going to try writing again...i did it as a teenager in creative writing but my afamily responded in a very hurtful way saying they hope i dont' really feel that way...i am scared to write because i'm scared to let it out because i know that when i let even a little out the gut wrenching pain that comes with it and it makes me feel worse because i know i will never get the answers to my questions...and that hurts even more...

as far as books and searches...i am open to a book but i am very sensitive to any books that talk about reunion so i haven't really looked into them...i'm scared to read also because i know how much pain it will bring...and i don't want to hurt like that so i just push it away...i feel very sensitive and angry by reunions currently and i don't want to continue to feel like that...i feel that a reunion for me is impossible both because i'm not sure if i want to search and because i'm angry and feel that i'm not good enough because my bmom doesn't miss me enough to come back for me...maybe she forgot about me...i still fantasize everyday about her just being there standing with open arms telling me that she does love me and she does miss me...and that hurts too...this is by far the most painful and difficult thing i've ever dealt with and i don't know how...i don't want to feel this way and i don't want to have an ed anymore...i've successfully closed myself off and don't let anyone in because i'm scared...that led me to ed and now i just feel hopeless and lost and want it to stop hurting so much...

so any tips on feeling more open towards reunion comments or mabe books would be great! thanks so much i'm glad to know there's nothing wrong with me for feeeling like this