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Originally Posted by InHisRest
EZ2Luv Thank you for your kind words and insight  You are dead on target with your comments. It can somewhat be related to the death of a child in your heart, etc. . . , and only in your heart, but goes deeper psychologically as we all are aware. Our grief is associated with a loss of a child that is still alive, future dreams, family, etc. . . and is different, a lot different.
I do want to take a moment to say that " I do not believe" it should be associated with the death of a child to a parent/s. Even though the grieving process may be somewhat similar or even overlapping, we still associate our loss with "life" even though we are not the parents, the child is born and is elsewhere. I only say this because of other emails. I would never want to find myself in the same situation as a parent/s who have experienced the death of their child. I mourn for them and long for that endless void to be filled. I believe it is irresponsible for us to associate a loss (Failed Adoption) to the death of a child. There are situations that this may not pertain to this, such as the death of a child during birth for an adoptive family, etc... I don't want to create a debate or go on a tangent, from my perspective, I needed to say this. Others are allowed their own opinions and beliefs and they are welcome as well. EZ2Luv, this is not in regards to your post, it just sparked a thought I have been meaning to make a comment about. I have lived through your comments and agree. Again, thank you for your insights and I thank everyone for their willingness to be open and allow others to learn along side them. Gantrak, I am on the same page with you about the miscarriage. |
You are so compassionate in your carefullness to not make parents feel who've experienced the death of a child feel worse by the comparison.
I truly believe this is different for every person though. I have experienced both. I had a newborn that stopped breathing at 1 day old, and died 4 days later from the subsequent brain damage. The pain was awful, but I knew that my son was in a better place. I found that my faith was immensely helpful for me during this time.
But I've been doing foster care for 2 years now, and I have found the feeling and mourning to be almost identical...and in many ways worse. You see, I KNEW my child that died went to be with the Lord. He was/is happy and healthy. He's where he belongs.
On the other hand, I've had children in my home as foster children that have left and I have mourned in some ways more intensely. I don't know if they are going to a "better place". In fact, some of them I know are going back to all the muck and mire this world has to offer. I'm convinced that a couple of the girls I've fostered will be back into care, and they will be worse this time. That kind of pain is worse to me.
We've also experienced a "failed adoption" so to speak. We were asked if we wanted to adopt a baby we were fostering and after a lot of soul searching we agreed. (We always assumed we would be adopting some older children...the ones that "no one wanted".) Not long after that they located a paternal Uncle who was also a foster parent! So needless to say, he was moved. While my mourning was almost identical emotionally at first to the mourning I experienced in the death of my son, I recovered much more quickly. He was with family, he had only been with me 2 months, so his bonding would probably be minimally interrupted. I felt God had put him exactly where he needed to be. My husband on mourned much more deeply than I did. He was devestated for several months. Again, it did not last as long as the deep mourning we experienced with our son, but he felt this child was where he belonged also.
IF we had a child that we planned to adopt, and he went back into a horrible situation I think my mourning would exceed the death of my child. We have not experienced this, but the thought is almost unbearable for me.