[BlackSheep]

I am both a reunited adoptee and a birthmom, so I can see both sides of your question, although my daughter will be 26 in November in a closed adoption and it has been many years since I was your daughter's age.

You did a wonderful job in picking the family that has adopted your daughter and they are trying to help her to heal and fill her need for "holes" that she feels within herself. This is very age appropriate and believe me, she has had and will always feel the abandonment of adoption. She is trying to heal herself in the only way she knows how to do it, by knowing where she came from, who she looks like and feel that she exists in some family tree. You are the first branch in that tree above her and she needs to know that stability. Yes, she has a mom, but you are the womb she knows and the mother she is longing to know outside of that womb.

As far as the circumstances of her birth, I would highly doubt that anyone would be ready at any age to hear those details, but, above all, be honest. The truth is very important to adoptees and from the description you gave about the adoptive family, it sounds as if they have been very open about her adoption. Talk it over with the adoptive mother and get her input as she has reared this child and knows her pretty well at this point. The truth you reveal to her must be age appropriate, if she asks.

Reunion is very hard on both sides and don't forget, also on the adoptive mother as well as all extended family. It would not be unusual that your daughter regresses a bit so she can again be your baby and need your nurturing to help her get through these difficult years for (years difficult for even biological children). I don't think you are being knowingly pressured by the adoptive mother anymore than trying to keep you in involved your daughter life as you indicated you wanted from the beginning. She is also being "the mother" you wanted for your child. She will do anything within her power to try and stop the hurt and help to heal her child. Would you do any less for the child that you are rearing?

When I first spoke and met my birthmom I wasn't so interested in the facts around my conception and birth as much as I needed to know HER and have her know ME. I was 31 when this happened and already married with 2 children. Had I known more about WHO I was when I was younger, I may have avoided so much pain and heartache, but that was already water under the bridge by the time it happened.

I seem to have gotten long winded here and I'm sorry that this has turned out to be so long. I hope that I have given you another perspective to think about.

May God bless you and help all involved to find peace.