I know this is the adoptee forum, but I really, really want some opinions/experiences from adoptees... thank you.
So I've been a wreck for the past day or so in regards to an adoption that occurred almost 14 years ago. I was 18 when I placed my daughter into a loving home in an open adoption. I really wanted open because I wanted to choose the people who raised her and see for myself the kind of people they were. But I didn't realize how difficult it would be to keep that open relationship. When she was 2, I stopped seeing them and told them that although I like getting the pictures, it was just too painful. Over the years, I've gotten those pictures and my mom and dad have seen her a few times, kept in touch, etc. The adoptive parents have always kept the door open for me, which is amazingly wonderful, but at the same time, I feel I'm being pushed into meeting her.
I received an e-mail yesterday from her mom that is basically imploring me to visit, telling me that she is at an age where she needs to find out who she is and put a face to the person who gave birth to her. She feels it's her fault I have not visited, etc. My mom tells me I'm being selfish and that this is about a young girl who wants to find herself.
I don't disagree that she wants to meet me. I do however, think it's so wrong to be trying to guilt me into visiting a child that I am just not ready to see.
I love this girl with everything inside of me but it breaks my heart to think of meeting with her. She was conceived in a very hateful, vicious and illegal manner which I never reported (except to my best friend who was there at the time) because I didn't want her to know or feel that she was the "product" of a bad person, therefore making her a bad person. I know many of my family would have told me to have an abortion and I couldn't do that nor did I want to "taint" who she is. Now I wonder if I should have a heart-to-heart with my mother and tell her the circumstances so she will understand somewhat better.
I'm sorry if I haven't made any sense at all - I just sort of blurted it all out without really editing it
I guess I'm just wondering how you feel, as adoptees, when it comes to knowing your birthmother/father. Is my not meeting her while she's young going to affect her? I don't want her to grow up thinking that I abandoned her (since I do have another daughter, born less than 2-years after her) or be angry/confused. I appreciate ANY opinions, ideas you can give me and thank you so much for taking the time to read this.
~becki