[lou0728]

I posted this earlier on my blog. I am also posting it here too in case someone on here is going through the same thing.....it helps to know you're not alone.

I could say everything is all roses here, but that would be a lie...... Truthfully, things are tough. Things are tougher than I ever imagined they would be. Nobody ever said this was going to be easy. I KNEW to expect some difficulties, but I NEVER imagined this. Honestly. This is so hard. I am trying to do everything I can for Essie all the while caring for the rest of my family. I feel like I am losing on every front. Essie is attached. To. my. hip. I think she's only attached to my hip, because she has no choice. I am her only option. I know that she likes us ok, but I'm sure she's wondering where the heck Margarita is and when she's coming to get her......... Our poor little baby. She is such a sweet girl. She really is, but she has these emotional breakdowns that almost push me over the edge. Anne Pearce can just walk by her, and Essie has a meltdown. Essie hits AP just as much as she hits her........ It's constant with those 2. Andrew saw today just how hard it is for me on a daily basis. Both babies were screaming for me just because the other one wanted me. It's so draining. They're not napping at the same time, so there's really no break. When others are here Essie is the picture of a perfect baby. NOBODY can understand how bad it can be when it's just us..... Let me stop now and say this: I LOVE ESSIE. I do. My mothering instinct comes raging when she's hurt or when she really needs me. It's just that she needs me every second of the day....and night. She needs to see me every second of the day, or she flips out. I KNOW this is normal, and I totally understand it. OF COURSE she feels this way. Just because I understand it doesn't mean that it's not hard to deal with. Andrew and I were saying tonight how we know that God sent her to us to love and care for and that we KNOW that He will work things out. He didn't send her here to disrupt our family.... He sent her here to be a part of our family. I'm not blogging this to get sympathy. I am just trying to get my words out. They need to be out of my head. Isn't that what our blogs are for?? If you've been on this journey with us for a long time you know that our family has encountered many hardships and challenges. Essie is a blessing, and I know it........ I trust that in time things will get better. We do see improvements as often as we see regressions.... Speaking of regressions.... Today Essie turned into an infant. I mean really an infant. I had to cradle her and rock her like I did my newborns to get her to calm down. I always cradle and rock her when she gets her bottles and when it's time for sleep..... She obviously needed it more today. I did it, and I will continue to do everything I can to help her. I am her mama, after all..........