[ChinaBuffet]

I'm 23, college graduate, still living with my parents, and have a VERY low paying job (the economy is horrible).
I was dating a man 10 years older than me and he was talking about marriage and babies. One month I didn't pick up my patch, and he knew it and we didn't use condoms and guess what? Yep I'm now "with child" ;-) however the boy freaked out and left. Leaving me horrible messages about how bad of a mother I'd be, telling me that getting an abortion is just like going to the dentist--no big deal--and he doesnt know why i wont just do it. I am pro-choice (whether that matters or not) but in my situation I just can't do it. We discussed adoption and he said he spoke with his attorney and that he will not consent to it and that if I will not have an abortion that he will make it so I have to raise this child on my own (like a punishment!). Now I'm a pretty smart lady and I know that in the United States you can't force someone to raise a child. If I don't want to raise it and he wont consent to adoption then they will ask him to raise it, and it will just sort of go down the list until someone takes the baby.
So after a week of his freak out and telling me I was just the "Fat X" he was having sex with" (can you belive he called me fat?--so not true!) he called me one morning and said he had thought about it and "He didn't want to lose me if there was no baby" so he came back and played Daddy and we talked to my parents and he became comfortable with the idea of having the baby--I thought. Now the red flag was up with the whole "I dont want to lose you if it werent for the baby" comment and after I saw his true colors the love was genuinely gone and all the talk of moving in together and eventually getting married made me depressed. But then, 3 days after he called and wanted to play daddy, he starts trying to talk me into an abortion and even went as far as telling me that "he keeps finding himself hoping I have a miscarriage!"
That was the end of that, and I honnestly felt relieved that he was gone and I wasn't planning the rest of my life with this man I had fallen out of love with. He continued harrassing me but last week I changed my number b/c it was stressing me out way too much, I could feel the stress. Keep in mind I just found out I was pregnant on 12 August so a lot has happened in the month.
Well my parents are getting kind of excited for the baby and they have informed every last member of our extended family (I mean it when I tell you that 5th cousins I didnt know existed know I'm pregnant). However, the more I think about raising the baby alone--even though I have the support of my family--the more it terrifies me. I really do love this baby already, I talk to it, I call it "Harper" (not what I plan to name it) and ask it to stop making me throw up, but I'm a single 23 year old. Maybe I'm immature, maybe I'm overly selfish, or maybe I just have cold feet and that's normal; but I'm afraid of never dating again, I'm afraid that that plan I had dreamed for my life is now just a fantisy for a silly single-mom. Not that in that dream I was married or even seriosuly dating but I was helping people, foster parenting, and doing more community service than can realistically fit in a day.
I'm considering adoption, but I'm afraid of what my family will think. My parents have already expressed their disapproval of that and I know it's my decission and eff them right? But that's seriously much easier said than done. I'm afraid that ex-boy will do what he says and that I won't get to choose the adoptive parents (I've already dreamt up my ideal couple). And then I've read through this meassage board and I'm absolutely TERRIFIED that in 2 years I will regret every day giving my baby for adoption, or finding out that they have addiction problems (like the father and I have bother recovered from), be in and out of institutions, be put in a foster home, wont connect with their a-parents, will grow up to hate me, etc ect...

I have no idea why I'm writing this. Maybe to see if people on the outside can tell how I'm really feeling by my post. Maybe so people who have been in my situation can help me out, advise me, whatever. But, Probably mostly because I have felt so alone since he left and although I do not want him back, I need to feel supported, comforted, assured that I will be okay and that I can do it alone, and that I wont be undatable, or that adoption is an excellent choice and I dont need to be afraid of the what-ifs.