[kikibrando]

Hi,
I'm mom to 5 great children and a beautiful foster daughter whose since gone on to join the military. Until recently, I had six kids at home. In May, my daughter of two years was transitioned into another adoptive family in the south.
I can empathize with your feelings. I have adopted older children three times. The first was my daughter, now 10, when she was 14 months old. Second, my son, now 5, at 2. The little girl we adopted/disrupted was 9 when she arrived and suffered horrific abuse at the hands of birth mother and physical abuse with her birth father. She was diagnosed with PTSD. I am quite certain she also has, at the very least, ODD and ADD. Without a doubt, she has untreated RAD.
I dumped everything into this child from the day she arrived to the about six weeks before she left. Even when the decision to disrupt was made, I put great effort into loving her and trying to make it work. When she left, I spent 8 weeks in a deep, almost morose, depression. It was a relief to have her gone because the anger, tension, and the insanity of it all stopped. But, there was the guilt and the anger I experienced because I felt like I'd been cheated of the opportunity to adopt a child that would "work" with our family. I know this is very, very selfish because she is a child and I'm the adult, but I felt [i]used[i]. At the very end, it came out she stayed with my family because she wanted out of foster care and little more. She stated she never felt attached to us and didn't want to be adopted. I choose not to dwell on this anymore because she cannot be anything more than who/what she is [i]right now[i]. I woke up one morning and decided it's my choice to continue to let this eat me alive, or move on. I chose to move on.
Your therapist is right about "faking it til' you make it." My 10-year-old had attachment issues. There were times I didn't like her and regreted adopting her. Our therapist told me to change the way I reacted to her and start looking at her in a positive light. First, she had me take her out by ourselves. We also did cuddling therapy, where I would hold her whenever she needed it. It changed a lot of things for me, but there are times I still don't feel as bonded to her as the three I raisd from birth.
Take time out for yourself and realize it's okay to feel the way you do. You are human. Kids with attachment issues can emotionally drain the life out of the best person. It's not for the fainthearted. Your son has a chance I'm afaid my (disrupted) daughter may never have. He's had a wonderful start with you. I give you a big applause for working so hard with him.