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[quote=jwmjwm]I think this has turned out to be a really good discussion - thanks, everyone.
Adoption Ally, I appreciate your perspective.
shadow riderer, you are right on. I hate the idea of a "wounded" label being applied to me. I absolutely agree that there are losses in adoption (even if the gains are great). Obviously, for those of us from closed/sealed adoptions, those losses include knowing our bio families, knowing about our ancestry, who we are genetically, etc., etc. I would never deny those. But to me, to say I was "wounded" at the moment I was separated from my birth mother (and correct me if that's not what the book says), seems to paint me as a victim - something I do NOT want to be.[/QUOTE
I don't recall exactly what the book says. As far as being painted a victim, I think that is all in the interpretation of each person. I choose not to see it that way. Was I "wounded" by being seperated from my Bmom at birth? Yes, in the sense that I suffered a loss...the loss of my Bmom and bfamily...a loss no one new I would feel or need to grieve, not even I until 40 some odd years later. Was I a victim? Yes, in the sense that I had no say...no choice in what was to happen to me. Does that make me "damaged" emotionally for life? Heck no! It did, however, have an effect on me. The "wound" was a thing that happened to me that I needed to heal..just like a cut would need to heal.
I look at it like this. Anytime a baby is taken from it's mother, no matter the situation, even in the best intrest of the baby, it is a sad thing. Being taken from my Bmother at birth was a sad thing for both of us, and I'm not talking about "adoption". I'm talking about the actual act of the seperation of a nine month relationship of a mother and her child. I see no shame in admitting that the literal seperation from my bmother was a sad thing. I see no shame in admitting that it had an effect on my life. It is a, now, agreed upon fact by most all proffessionals that babies seperated from their mothers need to grieve for the loss of their mother...grief/loss=pain=a wound that needs to be healed. Does the "Primal Wound" label adoptees as "wounded victims"? I guess it does in a sense. Is that a bad thing? Only if you choose to let it be. No one wants to be labeled a "victim". As an adoptee, you can only be a "wounded victim" if you choose to be. There is nothing wrong with acknowledging the fact that adoptees suffered a loss at their birth and should be allowed to grieve that loss, and if not allowed will be effected in other areas of their lives. I did not agree with everything in the book either. It did, however, help me see things I hadn't looked at/thought of before. It helped me understand myself a little better. I do not feel like a "wounded victim". I feel like a person who suffered a loss, needed to grieve, and is now healing.
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