[Janeytwo]

Hey Guys!

Back from work is me! :-)

I was musing on anger and I wanted to toss this out there....

For me, anger was a mask; a safe one. I had problems relating to girls friends growing up and to my family because anger was one of my issues in my youth!! LOL!

I had a problem not expressing my anger. I would front on people - no matter how many opponents I faced. I would throw things at people....I was viciously loyal to friends and visciously "against" enemies.

Anger was a drug; a way to feel in control.

Behind it though? Behind it lay fear....no....terror.

A nameless abject fear that consumed me within. Fear of what I'd witnessed in my younger life. Fear. If I stopped being a bad-a** long enough, I could taste it welling up in my throat like acid. I could feel it oozing out of my pores like sweat.

And the only way to stop it was to be fearless on the outside so that no one, most especially me, would figure out how truly frightened I was within.

So I can totally relate to Raven and Jackie in the acceptance of lack of control. Control may be the ultimate illusion in this life. Yet I cling to it whenever possible so that there can be order amidst my chaos.

Which brings me to a point about God and all that we've been discussing with him.....

I think I posted this before (or was I talking to someone IM)? Hmmmmm........ I am old and can't remember....

:-)

But anyway, there's this story in the book of Genesis (at least I think it's that book). In the story God and the devil are walking along the road and they come across these pebbles scattered on the ground in front of them. God looks at the pebbles and remarks on how wonderful the pebbles are just strewn about like that.

And the devil says, "Here. Let me organize them for you."

I think of that story often because so many times in my life I've tried to make sense of the various chaos instead of just remarking on it and accepting it as part of living. So many times I've driven myself crazying trying to make everything perfect.

Once at Christmas I decided to wrap presents using all manner of ribbons and bows and silk flowers - all color coordinated and shiny and glorious. I worked for hours wrapping each package until each one looked like a display worthy of the MOMA.

I took my preciously-wrapped packages to a family Christmas party where one of my 2 year old newphews promptly jumped up and down on them and destroyed the wrapping!

LOL!!!

At the time I was devastated but looking back I wish I would've enjoyed watching that little guy, eyes twinkling as he danced on the pretty pretty boxes, instead of going into the backyard to have a hissy fit about people ruining all my hard work.

Sigh.......Oh I am glad that Shiney White Janey has found a bit of tarnish to paint herself with. :-)

Thanks for listening,

Janey