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She just has been so checked out of my life for so long that I fell like it takes too much energy for me to continue to sit on the sidelines of her life patiently waiting for her to give me some playing time. IT HURTS!!! I just want her to love me, I just want her to acknowledge me, and most of all I just want her to treat me like a daughter and not like a casual aquaintence.
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I think you will have to accept the fact that your mom will never be the mom you want her to be. Never has been, and never will be. It's hard to accept this, I know, as I also have a mother who is very limited in how she can BE a mother. You cannot change your mom. You can only change how you react and respond to her.
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Here is what I need advice on...How do I tell my mom that I no longer wish to have a relationship with her, and not be hurt when she doesn't care?
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I would make sure you are firm on cutting ties before saying so. Then, just tell her, or write her a letter indicating your stance. I wouldn't go into a long winded explanation or a laundry list of reasons why. She won't see it from your perspective anyway. Just lay it out, or just stop associating with her without any explanation at all. How not to be hurt when she doesn't care is another issue altogether. I can't answer that one. Have you thought about seeing a therapist to help you with this??
How is your relationship now with your daughter you relinquished? Maybe focus on that and it will help you take your mind of your mom. Is there is another person in your life that is like a "mother figure" to you? I had an aunt who was like a mom to me, and I also have an older cousin I am close with. I share with her all the "goings on" in my life that I cannot discuss with my mom.
I hope this doesn't sound insensitive, but given your description of your upbringing, has your daughter perhaps benefitted from growing up in an adoptive home? I ask this because one of the reasons I placed my son was to get him out of a dysfunctional family life that I feel would have influenced him in a negative way. I realize no family is perfect, not even his adoptive family, but there was stability there and close family ties, without all the craziness in his envionment. I am truly thankful for that.