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An unattached child must learn that they can be in mom's arms and it isn't threatening. They need to know that mom is strong enough to hold on during their struggle. Lucy is right that it is not optional. Its not fun, but in time, they do learn to trust more. My daughter will let me hold her now, she still won't look in my eyes while holding, and she does sometimes fight, but certainly not like before. She will even ask me to hold her and tell her what I would have done if she had come to me as a newborn. I also tell her all the good things about her, which makes her very uncomfortable because she feels there is nothing good about her, but now she will ask me to do it. Even though she squirms, she says she likes it. I feel that holding is essential to attachment. Without that closeness, you can never break through their walls.
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