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Thanks for this post! I've also struggled with what to call DD's bmom - not so much within our family, but on places like this. For us, DD just knows her bmom by name. She knows she's a very special person in her life, but we don't specify birth mom as the term to use.
Personally, I try to look at it as "what will be the most respectful to my DD, the adoptee". Will it make her veiw her adoption in a negative light if we call her bmom the "natural" mom? Will she grow up thinking the family she's in was created in an "unnatural" way? Are we a "real" family? I think the term chosen should respect the child above all others.
For our situation, birthmom, firstmom, and biological mom are all relevant and true statements. DD is too young to understand bio mom, since she's not yet in school. (I've tried to explain.) Even birthmom is hard, though she gets that she was in (bmom's name)'s tummy and born to her in a the hospital and was with her for 2 days. First mom is also confusing to her b/c she then thinks that she was with bmom longer than 2 days. So in the end, we just use bmom's name and know that as DD is older, she will understand more and perhaps come up with the term that she's the most comfortable with.
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