[cearle28]

I am new to this site, and just want to say that it has made me smile, cry, and have hope. I got pregnant only a month after I had my baby girl, who was planned after my husband and I had been married for 8 yrs. I was shocked, ashamed , and didnt know what to do. My husband and I barley make it as it is. He was very angry- why, I dont know, hey - it takes two, right?
We decided on abortion when I was 4 mo. along. At the time it seemed like but no big deal, but on the hr. long drive to the clinic, I felt the baby move, as it were saying , NO! I cried all the way there, but still went in. It was the most horrible thing. I had to undress in front of other patients, and sit in a huge room with everyone in a hospital gown. The doctor was rude, and looked like the devil-seriously. While I was waiting, I changed my mind..I couldnt do it. The baby was older, and I had seen those pictures on the internet of aborted babies. My husband was mad, but if I were going to go to hell, it wouldnt be for killing my baby.
Then my only option was adoption. I wanted to keep the baby, but he, and my daughter would be miserable, not having the things they diserve. The only thing I could offer was love, a love that in my mind, no other person could ever deliver.
He was born 3 wks. early, when I went to the ER with low blood pressure. I was so sick, I thought I was going to die, and I almost did. I had an emergency c-section. They still dont know why i got so sick, but I know it was God . The cord was around his neck, and he coded. If I had waited any longer to get to the hospital, it could have been bad for the both of us. He was in the NICU 9 days before he got to go home with the family I had chose to give the REAL gift of life to. He and my daughter are 9mo. and 6dys. apart. I hope one day before I die I will see him again. It is open adoption. I was told I would get updates and pictures, but I dont want to get my hopes up. If I dont get to see him again, I hope my daughter does, and I hope she doesent hate me for what I did- she will now be an only child. When she is old enough, I plan on being honest with her and telling her about her brother. I had my tubes tied so I wouldnt have to go through this again. It has only been 2 weeks since I gave birth. It still hurts, but I hope I made the right choice, I have to at least think that I did!-sorry this is sooo looong!