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I was there just 18 months ago. My FS, from 18-22 months was having three hour visits with one hour unsupervised. Post visit meltdowns are one of the hardest things I've dealt with as a foster parent (as a parent period).
After every visit it would be total meltdown until I would finally put him to bed, completely exhausted. I did use the advice noted by prior posts and I agree. I kept a journal, talked with the social workers and during the next foster care review used my notes to advocate for shorter visits.
It also gave me credibility when I advocated for timing of the visits - (1) don't make it mid-day - going to day care, then to a visit, and then back to day care is too many transitions for a 2 year old and it is stressful enough for him already (2) if he is going to have a melt down, please don't put that kind of stress on my day care who has 5 other kids to deal with and (3) he needs to know that I will be there for him after every visit.
I would also suggest that you schedule nothing on visit days. Just go home to as quiet an environment as you can - and then let him have his meltdown.
But set aside the advocacy for the child bit here - let me share with you what helped me to cope. One day after a three hour post visit melt down, I was feeling very frustrated and questioning my every move. Why can't I console him? Am I doing something wrong? What can I do to make this easier (for all of us)? And when I sat down I picked up the book "Touchpoints" by T. Barry Brazelton. In one chapter he talks about picking kids up from day care. He describes a scene where the parent, who has been at work and missing their child all day, just wants to pick them up and have a joyous reunion - a great night, a fun dinner, happy bedtime. Instead the child has a melt down and the parent feels rejected. Brazelton says (and I'm not quoting directly so please forgive me Dr. Brazelton) is that your child has saved up all of his frustration - all of his stress throughout the day and finally lets go when he is with the one person he knows loves him unconditionally, whose love and care he does not question.
And that is what got me through the meltdowns. My FS trusted me enough to totally let go of every emotion and work through every bit of stress.
So I guess my advice is this: the meltdowns suck (am I allowed to use that word on the forums?) and there is no way to get around it. But know that you are doing a great job. That if he feels free to completely release his rawest emotions, you must be effectively providing him with a safe, loving and trustworthy home. You and your family are doing a great job.
Good luck. And keep reaching out for support. It will get better.
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