EZ- In your particular situation, I may have done the same thing. Elderly, sick parents, from a different era....it's hard to say. I appreciate that you are speaking of your parents with concern and love.
Certainly our relationships are all our own business, and as adults, we have the right and the responsibility to make our own choices. The right not to tell your parents anything is indisputable.
So I'm not talking rights, here. That's a settled deal. Every adult has the right to keep it to themselves if they want.
I personally just don't like "spare them the pain" as a justification regarding anything about adoption, well-meaning as it is. It sounds too much like a justification for not telling a child they were adopted..."spare them the pain" - everyone here would jump on that! Or a reason for not sharing pics or visits with the bmom..."spare them the pain". Again it's usually affirmed that it's not for others to withhold information by deciding for others what they can and can't handle. Withholding truth in the name of being kind to someone, is usually more about sparing ourselves the effort and possible conflict that truth and communication require. Pretty much everyone agrees that it's wrong to withhold truth from adoptees and birth parents- even if and especially if everyone is adults. But it's like if it's aparents...well, it's none of their business. Make it simpler for everyone. Just keep them in the dark. That way they won't bother anyone. I just don't get that. When bmoms and adoptees are treated like that, people roar! Myself included!!
I'm NOT saying that every adoptee should or has to tell their parents they are searching or are in reunion, because every situation is different. Some aparents have just flat out earned themselves out of a place in their kids' adults lives. But I'm talking about healthy families, loving relationships. I'm saying to consider whether the reason, if applied to you, would be how you want people dealing with you.
One of my great fears about my son in reunion, was the fear that he might not be honest with me- really honest- and that instead he would just play the adoptee role of people-pleaser and tell me what he thought I wanted to hear, play the role he thought I wanted him to play...and then would do the same thing with his birthfamily, with the ultimate result for him being an inauthentic divided self, held captive by role playing and pretty lies. I don't think that it would be healthy for him and that's not the life I would want my child living. I would a zillion times rather hear truth that hurts than lies that placate. I would feel like a fool treated like a child to have everyone "spare me" the pain of knowing the truth that other people in my family know. I would be devastated if my son was living like that. I firmly asked him repeatedly to take the time to discover what his own truth was, what he wanted and what his reunion was going to be and to have the courage to communicate that to both his bfamily and to us- not to play up to or toy with or lie to either of us.
I would want my kid to trust me that I can deal with my own pain and my own discomfort. It would hurt so much deeper to be kept from his truth, to not be given the opportunity to love and support him through whatever reunion requires. Even if his truth was something that wounded me deeply, I want to know the people I love so that I may understand them and love them better. I want to love the truth of who they are, not be spoon fed the parts that will keep me happy.
I know that many adoptees and birth parents feel strongly that reunion has nothing to do with aparents. I know I've spouted my opinion on numerous other threads. I have great respect for many people here who disagree with me on this. This is just how I see it.
