[EZ2Luv]

I read lots of threads where Aparents react to their adoptees doing searches and/or reuniting with bmom/families?

How important is it for an adoptee to tell Aparents that they are about to or have searched or reuntited with bmom/family?
A little background: For me, I was rather blindsided with the urgent dire need for medical history /information. Though prior to that I had NO desire for any type of search or reunion and if by chance I was ever sought out or found I would have just thanked bmom and not pursued any kind of relationship.

When the rubber did hit the road and I needed to search I felt that it was no business of my Aparents. My Amom was in the throughs of alzhimers, my Adad was devastated with Amom's illness and the whole family was wrapped up in Amom'scare. The last thing anyone needed was to start worrying about my medical issues so I kept that infomation minimal too. I was scolded by a couple of people in online adoption community that felt I should demand that Adad give me any information he might know and that I should tell him of my plans to search. I felt that at the time telling a 78 year old man that I was aboutr to search for bfamily because of serious health issues would have been far too traumatizing to him and might have hurt him. Of course I would have asked if he had information if I absolutely needed it, but I felt that at 40 something years old I did not need Aparents to know or involve them. I was able to find bfamily without Adad's help and he still has no idea I even know who they are. My thinking is, why get this man so rilled up if I do not have to. He is now 85 years old, what difference does it make now anyway?

So back to my question. Why is it so important for adoptees to let their Aparents know? I can understand if the Aparents held inforamtion crucial to locating Bfamily, but alot of times all Aparents can do is provide the name of the agency(I am talking closed adoptins here). Also, there are many ways to get thet information from Apaprents without telling them it is to search and reunite.

Maybe my feelings are off here, but I just didn't want to make Aparents feel like I was looking to replace my Amom either because she was sick.

I just think that sometimes it is better to spare the Aparents pain or anyone pain if it can be prevented. Of course if Adad ever asked I would never lie but what good would it have done anyone for him to know.

This is one of the reasons why I am so very adamant about Bmoms going straight to the adoptee and not the Aparenst. I feel that if the adoptee is an adult, the Aparents have no right to know if they are searching, have searched or reunited for that matter.

I see so much hurt feeling that go along with search and reunion and sometimes I wonder if adoptees ever tell Aparents about their search as a way of trying to hurt them. Not all the time do I think this, just only when I see posts where an adoptee can't understand why an aparents would be upset or feel threatened by a search.

Understand too that years back Aparents and Bparents where promised that things would be sealed shut and there would be no way to be found so naturally the idea would shock them.

Please know that I am not against searching or anything like that, just see alot of unneccesary pain that could be eliminated.

EZ