[djc0501]

I am a birthmother whose daughter is getting ready to turn 18 in November. Obviously, none of us out here can explain your birthmother's reasons for doing what she is doing. Speaking personally, I want very much to meet my daughter and be a part of her life and have her become a part of my "new family" (for lack of a better phrase at the moment). I am engaged to a wonderful man and have a 12 year old son from a previous relationship who is just dying meet his sister. I want this so much that I went ahead and proactively sent letters to the attorneys that handled the adoption (on both sides) to forward to the adoptive parents to let them know that I did wish for this to occur and to make sure that they knew that should my daughter wish to contact me she would be welcomed with open arms by my entire family. I did this primarily because I heard several horror stories from adoptees who contacted their birthparent(s) only to be rejected and they were devastated. I wanted her adoptive parents to feel free to give her the information to find me without having to worry about how I was going to respond if she contacted me.

I think that you since your birthmother did continue to have contact with you, no matter that she did not fulfill the promises she made that you should keep trying. Ask her again. She may not be in the place I am in. She may not be completely ready for a relationship with you, but she doesn't seem opposed to one either, which I think is a good thing. I think that the whole reunion process can be emotionally daunting for everyone involved. Maybe she just needs more time to deal with all the emotions that she is feeling. The questions you ask may be bringing up some painful memories for her and causing her to behave inconsistently because she still can't deal with whatever happened that led her to put you up for adoption in the first place. I sought counseling several years after I put my daughter up for adoption because I felt like I had never dealt with the emotions and the grief that came with the adoption, that I had just sealed in up inside of me. I needed that counseling to be able to heal and to move on with my life and to be able to be a better mother to the child I was pregnant with at the time all these bottled up emotions came to the surface. Perhaps your birthmom never received any counseling and all the bottled up emotions stayed bottled up until now. Talk to her. Be open. Try to find out what the driving force is behind her behavior. It could be so many different things. Keep in mind, it may just take some time. As for counseling for yourself, I don't believe it can hurt you. A counselor may be able to give you some insight that others can't. They might also be able to arrange a session together, even if it was via a conference call type of thing if you live far away from your birthmother. Maybe you can suggest a support group for your birthmother if she is having difficulties with this reunion. There are lots of options out there, just keep your chin up and smile. No matter what is occuring right now, at least you have found your birthmom and she is at least trying to make you a part of her life. There are many adoptees/birthparents out there who can't find each other for whatever reason.