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Originally Posted by kakuehl
Djvj,
I respect you intentions, mine are very similar. I would caution you to remember, however, that your daughter is an young adult. She may not appreciate what she may see as interference as she attempts to establish herself as a self-sufficient adult. I think you can encourage her to invite her amom to be part of the process, insisting on it is sort of a red flag for me personally. Tread carefully and listen a lot!
Whether we raise biological or adopted children, it is always a challenge to make the switch to having adult children. (My mother always said, when I'm ninety and you're 70, I'll still be your mother and I'll still tell you what do do... As a result, I try to offer advice ONLY when my children ask.)
You have an exciting opportunity to get to know your bdaughter. If you have a relationship with amom, you can keep in touch and see how she's doing. You can ask your daughter what she hears from her parents.
For me, one of the most positive aspects of my relationship with D is that both of us have made it clear that my presence in his life does not replace her. She is and remains his mother.
Good luck!
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reunion is such a delicate, delicate thing...
if i didn't live in the same city bdaughter was moving to i am sure her parents would be very involved in helping her find a place, get settled, etc. she will definitely need help: she has lived a very sheltered life in a small town and is moving out of home for the first time, to a big strange city in a far away state...and of course i want to help since i know this city well but i also think amom as a mother should be involved in the process. it would feel like i was a "replacement" if i were asked by bdaughter to step in and fill that role that would be filled by amom in another situation; even though i have helped her get the job i would have done the same in any city i had contacts...
i am pretty sure it is just "assumed" by all parties that aparents will be involved if she moves. if she were my 23 year old cousin, i guess i wouldn't feel the need to request that my aunt come here and help...but at the same time i know my aunt would be here anyway... hopefully amom will feel entitled. i, for one, welcome her here simply as a friend, not only as my bdaughter's mother.
if bdaughter wants to do everything herself, then no problem. but if she needs help, it seems fair to both amom and myself that amom's role of mother and helper is maintained. i truly DON'T want to replace amom, and in fact, i CAN'T, because i don't yet really know the adult my bdaughter has become and i am not equipped to know what kind of living situation she would be comfortable in. plus, while i am more than willing to financially help her i want to defer to her parents first as i know it is really important to them to remain the "providers". (amom asked me to not buy bdaughter gifts, etc, as she needs to learn financial independence.)
and then, there is just the fact that i am so thankful to aparents for always giving me a space in bdaughter's life. they didn't "wait and see" if she wanted to know about me, they had my photos and gifts around her since she was a baby. our daughter is young, and we all know very young women can be a little self absorbed. if she isn't already aware that this is a delicate time for amom then i feel it is my place to remind her and encourage her to keep amom included. i won't demand it of course; i have no right to demand anything from any of them, but i would gently discuss it and do everything i could to encourage amoms participation with both amom and bdaughter.
and of course, i don't want to focus on the negative: i am overjoyed both at reunion with bdaughter AND her afamily as i have a lot of affection towards her parents and love them both as people. these are the kind of folks i would befriend without any adoption connection. so this will be an opportunity for me to get to see all 3 of them more frequently. if bdaughter moved to a different city i am sure i would see her parents much less. so i want to keep in mind this is an opportunity for all of us to form deeper connections...