[aclee]

The birth father's termination really makes me wonder. Ty's bfather terminated with his bmother, but they still had to run the registry. Our attny did warn us...it wouldn't be the first time a father came back other than the one I've already terminated, so don't sit too comfy. I didn't remember that she said that till this moment. I think for everyone, with every child...the bonding is different. I know that how we bond with foster children will be much different than how we bonded with Tyler. I can be changing his chocolate brown bum and think, gosh his poop smell just like his Dad's...I don't think on a minute by minute basis that he's adopted. He reminds me in MANY ways of DH, and myself (can you say temper, temper?) I think that once you can settle into your parenthood more and stop worrying about the minute my minute adoption stuff it helps a lot. I think it HELPED that I took a break from here when Ty was first home (had to with DH in the hospital). Did that make him less adopted? No of course not, but I was able to just be Mom, and not adoptive mom.

One interesting thing that our social worker told us, EVERY TIME we saw her was that she was amazed at my "comfort" with my attachment to Tyler. She said she saw attachment with DH and Tyler, but she has met with thousands and adoptive parents, and counseled thousands of bio-parents, birth parents etc. She's seen almost all of them in relation to their children, and she was amazed (and would say it over and over) that I was so at ease with my attachment and motherhood to Tyler. She asked if I was worried about our attachment, if I had concerns or was proud how well we attached and I would I would just shrug and say, No, he's my son. Of course, once she made such a big deal about it, THAT made me worry, what if I don't have that amazing easy attachment with another child I adopt...what does that mean?

I can't comment how it happened or when. From the minute I curled up with him and fed him his first bottle, he was my child. Yes he came to me after being birthed to another woman, and she is important, but this is my son, and I knew that...so maybe I never thought about how he could be taken away...I don't know. Makes me all emotional. For me, when I got Ty in my arms it was a HUGE...AHHH...moment...a moment of realization I guess.

Also wanted to share (although I know you are not a transracial Mommy) that there are stages to "adoption" (says my social worker)...she said, that it is totally normal to first see your child and think...(these are the stages she told me, so take out the transracial stuff)

1) This is my black, adopted son.
Eventually you look at your child and think...
2) This is my son and he is black and adopted.
Eventually...
3) This is my son, and he is black. (she says mental race acknowledgments usually "end" last)
Finally...
4) This is my son.

She told us this so we could realize that it was OK for us to go through it, and that we should also expect our family to go through it. Because family sees less of the baby, it might take them longer to make the steps, but they would.

I have to admit that even in my "complete" attachment there were days I would pick up Ty and all the sudden thing...Holy Cow. I have a black son. Oh yeah and he's adopted...So clearly for us, we "forgot" he was adopted before we "forgot" he was black. (clearly we don't forget any of these things, they just are not part of every thought we have of Ty now)

I guess I just wanted to say that to still realize in your heart this is an adopted child isn't something to worry about. I do think that the father's termination can impact your attachment. There was one Mom on here (maybe more than one) i think it was Supa that had to wait 30 days on revocation of the bmom TPR too (is that right Supa?) I know for many on this board, we were all holding our breath for her...I can only imagine how she felt. I could barely look at pictures of her little man without that though filling MY head.

Everyone is different, every kid is different, every situation is different, every attachment is different. Even after your in the clear with bfather TPR there will likely be a different attachment process and it could have very little to do with bio vs adopted. Could be first vs second, could be boy vs girl, could be oldest vs youngest. Could be ALL of that.

Good Luck. (Ok I realize that was A LOT about mine. But only about MINE, so take it with a grain of salt!)