[Stormster]

Another perspective. As you know we had to give back a little boy, Ryan after 5 days. When I first held him my heart broke wide open and I felt an instant connection.

Between the time he was placed in my arms and the time Ethan was born we survived the failed placement of Ryan (agony), a bad scam and 2 failed matches i think my heart must have really shut down or something. Having to put E back in the hospital after 8 days and caring for him there, not knowing if what he had might damage him permanently didn't help me.

I wouldn't underestimate the termination of the father's right's effects on your feelings. I'm not proud of the way my obvious PTSD effected things and I always acted as if and doted on him in every way but it wasn't until finalization at 7 or 8 months that I really let myself fall. (None of it was conscious btw) And I believe it was because I no longer had any fear that he would be taken away from us like Ryan was.

I also think that because we did not carry them for nine months, maybe there is an initial period of time that is kind of like an emotional pregnancy for some of us. I don't doubt that some feel it all instantly as I did with Ryan but I don't think we should find it surprising that some of us don't bond instantly.

And remember some BIO moms don't bond either right away.

BTW I DO have those weird flashes of danger you were talking about. Ugh I hate it! I'm like Where Did That Come From? I have no doubt I'm now wired the same way I would have been had I given birth to him. I am beyond connected now and my instincts/empathy/maternal love are totally THERE. But I think it's based on the mothering itself rather than the bio connection. I guess the body/brain creates those synapses just by the act of doing and being kwim?