It will be interesting to hear how others respond. Here are my thoughts (I adopted an infant internationally, and have been reading and researching for years)
1. Are there "health" kids on our desired age for adoption through the system (by health I mean no more than mild/moderate emotional needs, no big psychiatric issues, no FAS, no sexual abuse)?
Absolutely there are physically healthy kids available domestically in your age range. Whether you adopt domestically or internationally you should be prepared for any kind of issues. The reality for older kids (and many young ones too) is that if they are available for adoption, they've had challenges in their lives. Many, many of them will come through it beautifully, but there's no sure way to know that in advance.
2. Is it possible to adopt domestically without doing an open adoption? Yes. but I would be concerned about the intense desire to do so. If it's based on the concerns that the bio-parent might become too involved etc. then I'm not as concerned. If it's a desire to "deny" the birth parent(s) then I think it's a much bigger issue for you. It sounds like you know this, but as your child grows up, he or she may want to know his or her birth parents and want to understand his or her history. In that case, you would want your husband to be supportive and accepting of that.
3. Would the state refuse to work with us because my husband wants a closed adoption? I don't know about this
4. Do all kids who have been on foster care have RAD and ODD? No, absolutely not, but you would need to be prepared because you can't always tell and it's very possible internationally as well...it's a possibility either way.
5. Could we do foster to adopt and still ask to close the adoption if ever happen? At that point what would close mean? Just no contact? Everyone would know who everyone is...
I have just been wondering....
We do not want a baby (as we can have them) and we do plan to add a biologic baby over the next 2 years, so it is really important that the adopted child issues would not risk the other kids of the house.... So any kid who need to be the youngest of all, or the only child is a no...
I think you are very wise to think this through. While others might vigorously disagree with me and have had great experiences, I personally would not bring a child into my home who was older than my youngest child. As a former therapist who specialized in working with child victims of sexual abuse, I worked with many children (victims themselves) who abused other children, simply because it's what they knew.
I applaud you for being so thoughtful and wanting to bring a child who needs a home into your home. It sounds like you are committed to being sure you can handle it and fully understand that adoption is forever. The questions that you are asking are the right ones.
The best of luck,
Susan-