[Saya]

Originally Posted by Rylee45

My daughter was not loved. She was the device to make the a-mom happy because she didn't want to have anymore bio-children of her own even though she could and she'd only had boys so she just HAD to have a girl.
Rylee

Rylee, I think you've hit the proverbial nail on the head here. Whether a child grows up with their first parents or with adoptive parents, are they being parented with love? Is the child is truly loved for who they are as a person, or are they somehow a device for meeting other ends? IMHO that will make much more of an impact on the child then whether or not the a-parents felt they had to be "perfect." If your daughter wasn't truly loved by the people who adopted her, that's a tragic thing, and I'm so sorry that you and her had to go through this.

I do have high expectations for my daughter, but I think I'd be that way with bio kids as well - it's just me. Maybe though my expectations are different, because I know she may have predispositions, strengths, and challenges that are different from mine and my husband's. In some ways, that's freeing. I can watch her develop with awe, without projecting my own background, you know?

A quick OT note about the breast-feeding thing - I found what you said very interesting. I was just talking to a friend who is a nurse/midwife and a member of La Leche league about adoptive breast-feeding, which is possible. I mentioned to her that I was thinking about it for our next child, but since we have no idea when that's going to happen it seems like it would be hard to plan on when to do any of the hormones, herbal treatments, etc, that it often takes to have a non-pregnant woman produce milk. And she said that it is often suggested that it be tried even if no milk is produced because it's an amazing way to bond and attach with a new baby even if s/he gets nourishment in other ways. So I just wanted to note that "breast-feeding" without milk production is not molestation per se, in my opinion. (That is NOT a comment on what happened with your daughter and a-mom, because obviously I wasn't there and know nothing about it.)