[Liliana31]

Originally Posted by JustPeachy

I bonded very strongly with my son, both prior to delivery and after. I, too, love being a first mother to my son. I'm very proud of it, and of him, no question. And I totaly agree with you, it's important to fight against the stigma. Just to be clear, I don't justify my choice to make an adoption plan on feminst theories of motherhood, but I feel that those theories are certainly useful and something to consider in fighting the stigma that bmoms face.

I often wonder if adoption wasn't seen as a woman going against her true nature, or that bmoms are cold and unfeeling, lacking in maternal instincts, or immature, irresponsible, heartless, etc. (labels that also get put on other women who go against the status quo, such as those who forego children altogether), but embraced as a valid choice, if we were celebrated instead of scorned, would we suffer so much, you know? Yes, we'd still feel a loss, and have grief, but if we were welcomed in society, allowed to grieve openly, had support for this grieving and not shamed into silence, perhaps much of the pain would be diminished or eliminated. But instead we are punished for not doing what women are "supposed to do" in keeping and raising our babies. These attitudes are just infuriating to me.

I really think that is the case! We are thought to be cold, lacking in maternal instincts, everything you say. If we could grieve openly. Not being shamed into silence. That is so true. That is what makes me angry as well. It has a lot to being a woman, I´m sorry to say, because I have to prove myself many times over in my career, even swallow it when a man is promoted with less qualification than me. And men are terrified of mothers who renounce their godgiven role. Don´t forget that religion comes a lot into it. Madonnas and the Holy Mother are still the most important women figures in society. My male coworkers still look away when I tell them I believe in women´s right to choose.

I am beginning to realize I didn´t have much choice at the time, Kathy. I feel I´m at a stage in my life where something is about to burst inside of me, some kind of breakthrough, and it has to do with what I went through and the difficulty of coming to terms with the adoption.

Someone very wise said in one of the threads here that our role as birthmothers is not to cater to childless couples. But that is how I feel right now and have always felt. I was in fact a "breeder" for a childless woman past childbirth and believe me, she treated me like scum and told me I was scum. Please understand that I just learned my daughter was mentally abused by this woman.

Love,
Liliana

Love,
Liliana