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I agree that some of these judgments are plain silly, but some people I know who are wise, educated, good-hearted and very just, feel that giving up your own flesh and blood is heartbreaking.
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It is heartbreaking. And very hard. And people are uncomfortable talking about these things, for sure. It's not unlike when you are mourning a death and grieving and want to talk about it and other people don't know what to say or are very uncomfortable with the subject matter. That is one thing. Making harsh judgements about a bmom or feeling that a bmom should be ashamed or that making an adoption plan is a shameful thing is another that I just don't understand.
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I used feminist ideas on motherhood to justify my choice/not choice. I was in denial at the time, numb and didnīt even think about bonding with my daughter. Now Iīm not so sure about all this. I love being a fostermother, and I love being a first/natural mother to my daughter. Thatīs all I know and I really want to fight against the stigma.
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I bonded very strongly with my son, both prior to delivery and after. I, too, love being a first mother to my son. I'm very proud of it, and of him, no question. And I totaly agree with you, it's important to fight against the stigma. Just to be clear, I don't justify my choice to make an adoption plan on feminst theories of motherhood, but I feel that those theories are certainly useful and something to consider in fighting the stigma that bmoms face.
I often wonder if adoption wasn't seen as a woman going against her true nature, or that bmoms are cold and unfeeling, lacking in maternal instincts, or immature, irresponsible, heartless, etc. (labels that also get put on other women who go against the status quo, such as those who forego children altogether), but embraced as a valid choice, if we were celebrated instead of scorned, would we suffer so much, you know? Yes, we'd still feel a loss, and have grief, but if we were welcomed in society, allowed to grieve openly, had support for this grieving and not shamed into silence, perhaps much of the pain would be diminished or eliminated. But instead we are punished for not doing what women are "supposed to do" in keeping and raising our babies. These attitudes are just infuriating to me.