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Originally Posted by Fran27
For people who don't understand why some people (me included) don't really care for posting on such discussions anymore... It's because you might find it respectful, but it really isn't. For people who were not open to other races, it's just insult after insult, whether it's that it's 'a form of racism' to being lazy parents and whatnot.
The point is, nobody can judge a situation until they've been in it. Maybe for most of you adopting transracially wasn't half the challenge it would be for other people... how would you know? For people who can't afford to move, don't live in a diverse area, and have family that might not be open minded on transracial adoption, it is a BIG challenge. Everyone can't 'just move'. Bio parents don't have to, so why should we? And a lot of people don't want to risk their child's happiness by 'challenging themselves' or whatever you guys called it. If I'm going to challenge myself, I won't put an innocent child in the middle of it.
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I really don't see how this discussion has been disrespectful - many people have pointed out that they themselves said no to other issues they felt ill-equipped to handle, such as special needs. I do not feel superior to other families because I was open to transracial adoption. I said my own "no's"
My brother has Down Syndrome. I love my brother - we've always been very close. When Elizabeth and I were in matching, we were asked if we would be willing to take a beautiful, healthy 6-week-old baby girl with Down Syndrome. I looked at her picture and I looked at my partner . . . and we said no. Not because we felt we could not love her. Not because we felt we did not have the resources necessary to care for her. I actually thought of my mother - who is nearing 60 and still spends each day caring for and worrying about my brother. She oversees his finances so he doesn't spend his rent money on wrestling videos. She shops at the grocery store where he works so she can check to make sure he is clean shaven and has clean clothes on. She lays awake worrying when he takes it into his head to take the bus downtown to watch the 9:00pm showing of The Incredible Hulk by himself and doesn't tell her where he's going. She gives him cooking lessons and worries about his addiction to bacon cheeseburgers.
I said no to that for myself. I wanted a child who would someday be able to live independently.
And I am responsible for that choice. It was MY choice. As Jensboys said, it is not a reflection on the value of that baby girl or the unique joys and rewards that would come from being her parent. It is a reflection on me as a person,
my values,
my vision of what I wanted as a parent and, yes -
what I was willing to do.
To claim that it "wasn't half the challenge" for the parents who eventually adopted that little girl than it would have been for me - that I faced challenges they didn't face - belittles their experiences as a family and their committment to their child. I have no idea what personal challenges they had to overcome, or what kind of support they get from their extended family. I DO know that they will face issues and struggles on her behalf that I will not face on behalf of my child. That they said yes where I said no.
I think the same is true of the decision about whether or not to adopt transracially. I do
not think that every family that chooses not to adopt transracially is racist. There are other very valid reasons for that choice. But I think you cannot have this discussion - an it is an important discussion - and avoid acknowledging the issue of racism. My little boy comes from a county almost 200 miles from here. He was a healthy, full-term, beautiful baby boy in a legally low-risk adoption situation. The inescapable fact is that if Daniel were white, they would not have had to go so far away to find a family for him. I live in one of the most diverse cities in the country, and we were the only family at our agency willing to adopt an African American boy. In fact, we were told that because we were willing to take an African American boy, that was all we were considered for. It's hard to place them so they reserve willing families for those kids. Some parents have very good reasons for not adopting transracially. And for others, it IS racism. To argue otherwise is naive. And as another parent said, it hurts deeply to look at your child - a child you cherish - and to know that he is so devalued. The attitudes in society that create that reality is something our families face daily, and something our children will face all their lives. And, frankly, the decision IS about the parents - not the kids. It is about our values, our attitudes toward race, our personal circumstances, and yes - what we are willing to do on behalf of our children.