Good morning everyone!
I just reread this whole thread and I want to say thanks to all the responses! I don't usually get much time to post as I have little ones running around. I feel a little more clarity today and I"m hoping, for my husbands sake that I will be in a better mood today lol.
Shadowrider....you posted
Well, it's just really hardd to teach old dogs new tricks, especially if the trick is difficult and the dog would prefer the security and comfort of familiar surroundings such as, laying under the porch in the shade, even if its a little muddy and their are fleas. Once the old dog crawls under the porch, getting him out aint gonna be easy. If he don't want to come out, he's gonna do a lot of growling and biting, and in the end...he still aint coming out. Sometimes the best thing to do is let laying dogs just lay.
geesh...this sounds SO much like my bparents! Did you ever get angry when you realized that
this was how your bparents are??"
I've been seeing a therapist for a year now because of it. Anger doesn't even begin to describe how I felt. I think rage is a little more accurate. There was a period that, had my Bparents been physically present, it wouldn't have been much of a stretch to punch either of them in the nose. They have both been passively cruel in the things they have done over the past three years. I felt abandoned and rejected at such a deep level, by the way they would pull me to them with pretty cards, sweet words, and promises I knew they wouldn't keep, and then push me away, or completely shut me out when others in their lives made it difficult for them. How could I not feel like I just really didn't matter to them, so saying I felt enraged isn't an exaggeration.
"I fip between being sad/hopeful and then angry.
"
The emotions could change from day to day, hour to hour, or minute to minute: anger...saddness...rage...despair...repeat. The emotions hit hard, and tears could just come out at anytime...anywhere. It was definitely a struggle to keep control of my emotions, not to mention my sanity. I would have never gotten through it without therapy. Never in a million years would I have imagined I could be so emotionally out of control. Don't get me wrong. It isn't like I fell to pieces in public etc. I kept it all inside for the most part, and hidden from others, but people close to me knew something wasn't right.
Then my bp's would throw me another bone...the hope...and then the cycle would start over.
"Sometimes..I think I just want some hint of acceptance and love"
Isn't that all we really want as adoptees? No one, includeing my abusive Afather at his worst verbal abuse, made me feel as unworthy, unloveable, unwanted, worthless, insignificant, etc, as my reunions made me feel. What I find amazing now is my Bmom is either completely in denial abouthow her behavior has hurt me or just really doesn't care. The bottom line...I am still her ddirty little secret, even after 20 years of reunion. It sure hasn't done much for my self esteem, if you know what I mean.
As far as Bdad, well, he knows he has hurt me, feels bad about it, but as long as he can call me whenever he wants and I don't expect anything in return from him, he's fine...unhappy, but fine. His wife actually gave him the ultimatum, your daughter or your wife, when there was never a choice to make. He lies to her and still sneaks off to his office to call me. She checks his cell to see if he has talked to me. It's nuts, but he made his choice to continue to let her control him, instead of standing up for himself and his right to have relationships with his daughters. Whatever floats his boat. What can I do anyway. He tells me he needs me to be a part of his life and I am important to him. Maybe it's just me, but I'm just not feeling the love? Honestly, I just don't think my Bdad knows what a healthy relationship is, much less, how to have one.
" and then I think, I deserve better than scraps!!!! "
Amen sister!!!! That's what I kept telling myself. I didn't deserve to be treated like this. I've tried my best to be understanding, patient, open and honest, and well, what else can you do? I mean, it isn't my fault my bparents had a fling, got pregnant, and I was put up for adoption. It's not like I asked to be born. What I think my bjparents don't understand is that I don't have to continue in my relationships with them. I am doing so because I want this to work. I would like them to be a part of my life. They are taking all of this for granted. I am not going to die if I don't have a relationship with them or contact with them. Reunion is a gift. I just wish other people could see it like that.
They say we are put up for adoption out of love, but they don't see that we also search out of love, even if some say it is for information /curiosity...and here comes the dreaded generalization, but I feel very confident in saying "all" adoptees want to think they were placed out of love...I don't care who you are, or what you say.
"My bfather, has pretty much always been under the porch! I think he has had an especially hard time with my adoption ...but you know, it's been almost 5yrs since our reunion and we have definately not gotten closer.... I"m tired of this superficial relationship.... I have been pretty much at a loss with what to say to him anymore...we only talk every once in awhile on MSN and then the few token visits each year. I know this is better than nothing...but I deserve better than that don't I??? I once said to somone...if you don't like me for who I am..then maybe we shouldn't
know each other."
I'm right there with you. My relationship with Bmom is all it will ever be, but I'm in this sort of limbo with Bdad. We aren't moving forward at all. There is nothing I can do about it. Superficial pretty much describes it.
"My bfather needs counselling...for sure,before he can really talk to me..... I get the "I"m sorry you feel that way" answer...for everything."
My Bdad needs counceling too, and for mmore than our reunion. I've all but begged him to get help. O.K...I've pretty muched begged him to get help. Ha, but until the old dog crawls out from under the porch, what are ya gonna do?
"MY bmom, well.....I'm just SO weary of hoping for a substantial relationship with her. I'm tired of taking a risk..then getting hurt. I"m pretty much at the end with her if she doesn't have something substantial to say after her prolonged silence. It really is a shame...her mom really would have loved my children.
tlee