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Originally Posted by tlee70
so funny....an Island sounds like JUST the answer. I would like the morning sun please? LOLOL
I am just so weary of trying to get to a "good place" with bparents. It's just not fair!!! your right...dammed if you do, dammed if you don't
tlee
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Hi Tlee:
You wont believe this but I've been wondering about you, and how things were going. Our reunions seem so paralelle sometimes, and amen to what you stated. lol
The one thing that has been most difficult for me...and most painful, is the realization that neither of my Bparents can be what I need them to be for me. They can't be that for me because they can't or wont face their own issues. It's not been fun. It really hurts to know that not only are they hurting themselves but they have broken my heart as well, and it just really doesn't seem to matter to them....well...at least not enough for them to work on themselves. I don't think it would really be fair of me to say they just don't care. I think...in their own way...they do care. I think it's more like they just aren't emotionally capable of facing the truth about themselves and then doing the work. They both lived in denial and avoidence for the majority of their lives.
Well, it's just really hardd to teach old dogs new tricks, especially if the trick is difficult and the dog would prefer the security and comfort of familiar surroundings such as, laying under the porch in the shade, even if its a little muddy and their are fleas. Once the old dog crawls under the porch, getting him out aint gonna be easy. If he don't want to come out, he's gonna do a lot of growling and biting, and in the end...he still aint coming out. Sometimes the best thing to do is let laying dogs just lay.
Letting go of the fantacy I wanted my reunions to be was by far the most difficult thing I have ever done. The grief that followed the acceptence that my Bparents just weren't going to be for me what I needed them to be was pure heck. The good news is that, now that I've let that grief out, and am still grieving a little, I am ready to start focusing on my life and who I am. I'm letting go of them and getting on with "my" life as it is now.
I haven't ended my relationships with them. I've just stopped putting all the effort into relationships that others put no effort into. I'm leaving it up to them, and I'm letting go.
One more thing I had to grieve for was the childhood I didn't get to have because of my not so pleasant childhood with an abusive Afather. It was a hard thing to admit that somehow I hoped my Bio parents, especially my BDad, would somehow be the Daddy I never had. I fought it for a long time, but it just kept coming up in therapy until I finally just had to admit it. lol It may not be the same for you, but I was amazed. I thought I had dealt with my issues with my Afamily and the way things were. I was wrong.
Well, this was the long version of saying that I'm here for you if you need to talk, and oh, boy, do I understand where you are coming from.