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Dear Kathy, BrockBaby, JustPeachy, Janey and all you good people who have been sending me support and warmth today and yesterday.
I feel the need to explain things a bit better. I guess I sound vulnerable - Iīm ill in bed right now - and angry. I have spent a lot of time dealing with that anger and finding ways of transforming it into something worthwhile. I used itīs energy to build a wonderful career, raising my adoptive daughter, getting my own property and working on different projects.
I read your story, Kathy. Thank you so much for sharing this with me. I felt deep pain when I read you held your son. I think it must have helped you were dating your husband at the time. My two husbands were scornful when I told them, and blamed everything that went wrong on the adoption. Each time I met a man who wanted more than friendship, he pulled away when he learned of my story. Again, I donīt blame them. It takes a very special person to be willing to get involved with someone who has that kind of emotional baggage.
JustPeachy, you should have known me some years ago. I was deeply depressed and didnīt allow anyone to come near me. I lived for my work, but with the help of AA and my psycologist, I managed to start a new life, raise my cousin, started to have a good social life, friends and travel all over the world. I feel I am basically a happy person. I am definately struggling with this emotional issue and itīs hard.
I use to internalize my shame and I hated everyone who was involved. I donīt feel I do it now with one exception: I cannot accept what the woman who took my baby did to me and my family.
I am not saying rape is justified. Never. Iīm just being realistic. I was drinking and using drugs and therefore putting my life at risk many times. There is a cause and effect and acknowledging my responsibility made me stronger. I stopped being a victim. I learned self-defense and I learned to take responsability for my actions. When I worked in Bosnia for a while, men tried to rape me and one almost managed, but I could defend myself and I became stronger for it.
Though I now see that before I began to grief I was a vampire of a kind; I had no reflection as I couldn't truly see myself and I spent my time in the darkness in a silent coffin. :-(
I love what you said here, Janey. I was a vampire too and lived like one. I donīt think I do that anymore, at least not to that extent.
My therapist is suggesting that I imagine myself as a young girl (I was sixteen when I was raped) and hug her, talk to her, write letter to her and connect with her. Iīm doing that, but itīs hard. I refused to acknowledge her for such a long time. She keeps telling me to continue to bloom, bloome through my works, my adoptive daughter and my daughter.
What matters is the final outcome. I have come to terms with not being able to forgive myself - for the time being.
The anger inside is now directed at the woman who took my baby and was not good to her. Iīm also dealing with the stigma of being a birthmother and although it is unjust, it is real. People should prepare birth mothers for being judged. I wish it wasnīt so, but unfortunately, that is just reality and they need to be prepared for that. Itīs part of it too. It has also affected my siblings, my cousins and it almost destroyed my parents. I donīt take on the whole responsability, but the lionīs share is at least mine.
Brockbaby, thanks for your kind words. And thanks, all of you.
Love,
Liliana
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