Hey Liliana,
I'm finding I have a little xtra time today and wanted to keep up with this thread as I relate so much to what you've been saying.
I like what JustPeachy wrote:
Even if you were drunk/high, it is still not your fault you were raped. Why do you continue to blame yourself?
There is a truth behind that question. I suspect (though I don't know you so it's only a feeling) but I suspect that like me, you are afraid of the grief because it is so terribly great you believe you might not come back from it. If this is the case, I sympathize completely. Though I now see that before I began to grief I was a vampire of a kind; I had no reflection as I couldn't truly see myself and I spent my time in the darkness in a silent coffin. :-(
In relation to AA (following my train of thought )......you wrote:
Quote:
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I´ve been a member of AA for 22 years, and one of the things I learned there was to take responsability for my life and for my actions.
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Step 8.
Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
I found for myself in recovery that the person at the top of my Step 8 list was none other than myself.
I had always been quick to forgive every other person but there was no such compassion for me from me, if you know what I mean. This kept me down and as Martin so sagely said, "You can't keep a man down without staying down with him."
And so in saying to myself that "yes, this happened to me!" I am taking responsbility because I am coming to see that there were reasons for my actions. Not excuses mind you. I don't offer those to myself. Where others used drugs as an anesthesia I used sex. That's the truth of it. And you know that rough little street teen Janey that I was hated sex but it was a way to be liked by guys if only for a very short time. :-(
And I was so so very young and this was all I knew.
We each of us fall in desparate times and the trick is not only to pick ourselves back up (which you seem to have done in an excellent way) but also to forgive ourselves for that fall.
Much friendship your way today,
Janey
Don't let the past remind us of what we are not now CSNY