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I don't know if this is accurate, but Liliana, it seems to me you have internalized the shame of the rape, the shame put upon you by society at that time, and the shame of other people's judgements. I am not sure if, with drinking and using drugs, that was shame-based, either, but it is not uncommon for people who struggle with alcoholism/substance abuse to have shameful feelings about this, too.
Even if you were drunk/high, it is still not your fault you were raped. Why do you continue to blame yourself?
What does your therapist say about how you can begin to forgive yourself?
As for other people's reactions, I say to heck (but I would use a much stronger word!) with them. I also think it is important to come to a place where you can own what happened to you. A decision was made that you regret, and it was, in your case, an ill-informed decision, and colored by social mores at that time, but it happened nevertheless. I assume you were under age and your parents also had a strong say in this. Perhaps, had you kept and raised your daughter, she and you would have been scorned terribly, or ostracized completely, or judged much more harshly than you are now. There is no telling how it would have turned out, so I don't know if it is helpful to look at where you are now with the child you are raising under completely different circumstances, and a whole different place in life, and compare it to how it may have been back then as a teen under your particular circumstances.
They say depression is anger turned inward. I'm wondering if you were able to express at all any anger at what happened to you. Maybe if you can get in touch with your anger, and process it in a safe/healthy manner, you can start to forgive yourself.
Anyway, I'm glad you are here to share your story and that you are able to talk about it. I know it is not always easy to open up about these things, especially if you were never encouraged to do so, or your culture/society was not supportive of such open communication.
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