Liliana...as I read your posts and the responses from the wonderful people here, my heart went out to you. Your pain is so obvious, and I know we all wish that we could take it away from you in an instant, but we can't. And it won't go away instantly either. (boy I wish it would for all involved!) But I see such hope in the fact that you are here, that you are sharing, that you are bringing up those feelings, fears, thoughts, ideas, and pain that have been buried in you for such a long, long time. Once things are out in the open, they start to lose some of their grip on us. We begin to see that we aren't the only ones with these feelings, ect. That perhaps we are "normal" in the way we feel...that others have gone through the same types of things...and have healed to certain points. That is where the hope lies. That there can be healing. Does healing mean that it "takes it away"? Absolutely not. Healing to me, means that we can begin to see things differently...that we learn that choices and consequences and things that we've done in the past or had done to us...that they don't have to have the same hold on us that they use to. That they don't define who we are today. Yes, you will always be a bmom...I will always be an adoptee...but we don't have to allow that "title" to define who we are, how we see ourselves. For example..I use to see myself as "unwanted" "thrown away". Was that the truth?! Or was that just the way that I saw it myself?! Was it the way that I let "others" make me feel?? It's the same with you, my dear. How do YOU see yourself?!?! It doesn't matter as much how others see you...because there will ALWAYS be someone, somewhere, who is going to try to put "their issues and judgements" on you. What you have to come to terms with, is how YOU see YOU. A THOUSAND people could tell me, and have...that I wasn't "thrown away"..but until I believed it for myself....it didn't matter to me what they said. For you...until you can believe it for yourself, what we can clearly see in your posts...that you are WORTHY, that you are LOVABLE...that you are a BEAUTIFUL person who has MUCH to offer...it won't matter what we think. It matters what YOU think! And once you can start believing those things, and stop judging yourself....it won't matter what others say. Because YOU will know the truth!!!!
I am not sure I was able to make it clear what I was trying to say. But, basically, my hope for you is that you can see that you are a beautiful, caring, compassionate person...who needs to believe that for yourself...so that it won't matter what others "think, feel or say" about you!
Keep posting...keep getting those deep feelings out...
