[Janeytwo]

Hey Liliana! My name's Janey and I'm a birthmother. I'm so glad you posted here. There are so many wonderful and wise women who can help you.

I found that your thread touched me deeply and I wanted to respond.

The adoption was the most awful thing I have ever done in my life and I have regretted it every day of my life. The effect it had on me will stay with me until I die.

Yes I understand this and as I've often said in threads here, the loss of my children was a loss of myself. A piece of me ripped from my heart and set adrift. You know, even in being a parent to my two daughters that are with me, there is my life before their birth and my life afterwards. To my way of thinking our children are the defining "moments" if you will of our lives. They can't be extricated from our souls. And adoption? Well, it's a lifelong grief but one perhaps we can manage to make peace with.

I think the reason to give up your child must be extreme, like imminent death, terminal illness or severe poverty.

I hurt for you in this statement, one of such pain and one I comprehend completely. Smiling here.....until I came into this site I thought that I was the only woman who'd surrendered two children. I thought that the only other people who'd done this were people who were facing death. I thought of those women as valiant. I thought of myself as scum.

But surrendering my kids was a kind of death; a living one. And I imposed upon myself a sentence of life in solitary, never speaking, never reaching out. In part that was due to the cruelty of the homo sapien species, I.E., I've seen what we're capable of. But mostly? Mostly it was because I believed that I deserved no better; that I was a failure in the eyes of society, in the eyes of my family, in the eyes of God.

What I couldn't see, and what has been so painfully obvious this past month especially, is the circumstances around my surrendering of my children. The past that I buried down there with me. Guess maybe I'm saying that it is not just the decision you need to grieve but perhaps the details that led you to surrender in the first place. It was easier to be harsh on myself than to admit what had come before.

The only drawback is that when I have told my friends and some members of my family that I have a daughter I had to give up, soon to be reunited with, they don´t look at me the same way. I can feel they judge me and some even said: "How could you give up your own daughter?" I cannot blame them, because I feel the same.

Nodding here. There's something I wanted to say but I'll post to you privately about that.

I feel like I´m a marked woman in some way.

I had said to someone that it feels to me as if we are Hester Prynne and that we should, like her, wear a big "A" on t-shirts - only not a red one....some other color. Perhaps copper; yes a copper-colored A.

It was the worst thing I could have done and I cannot even justify it myself.

Hmmm....this is a toughie. I think maybe I'll fall back on the recovery line here. That word "justify".... for me, I always connotes with turning outward....outward towards those I feel I've harmed. Explanation of and apology for actions. First though, I must be able to apologize to myself. That must come first. Otherwise I am lost in my grief, rage and anger and really, any apology; any justification I make, is not quite an entire one. I hope that sounds right; that I'm making sense.

Harsh and bitter judgement of myself...well I'm guilty. I'll raise my hand on that one. I've done it; done it to death and it's done no one any good; most especially myself.

But it is all right where you're at; let the feelings come. It's a starting off point and we all must start somewhere. Coming here and saying, "this is how I feel about myself"? Well, that is a leap of faith not easy to make.

Keep writing; don't let go.

Much peace your way today!

Janey