[Liliana31]

Thank you all for your kind words. It´s very helpful.

I think I feel like this because when I started to foster my adoptive daughter, my little cousin, I knew the joy of caring for a young child. I then knew even more what a terrible mistake this adoption had been.

I would like to explain why I feel the way I feel, even though it may sound harsh. I really don´t want to hurt anyone´s feeling, so please forgive me. This is such a sensitive matter.

I feel that the separation of the birthmother and her child is unnatural and therefore carries even more pain and confusion. Someone else is caring for your flesh and blood while you lost your baby. How do you grieve? The baby is not dead, but is living with someone else, so there is no closure. I think that this is why people judge me and other birthmothers. The people who manipulated my family into taking my daughter away from me said: "What a beautiful choice and sacrifice..." but I was is in fact scorned because what I did was not natural.

I was raped. My family was wealthy and could have cared for my daughter, but the shame was more they could bear. The adopiton agency manipulated us into giving the child, because they maintained I would never be able to love her. What a load of nonsense! I should have told them all to go to hell and just keep my baby.

What am I to say to my adoptive daughter? She doesn´t know yet. I have started to prepare her and explain that sometimes kids live with other parents then their biological ones and she finds it strange. How can I tell her about the rape?

I feel birthmothers are treated like third class citizens and since I hold a high position at the University, I´m not about to be treated like dirt. I just don´t know how to avoid it. My heart bleeds for other birthmothers and I want to start a support group in my country, but like Quantum from Sweden said, this rarely happens here, so birthmothers here are few.

I´m still working this through and I see my psychologist every week. My mom is also in therapy, because renouncing her oldest grand daughter has devastated her. She was told by the agency and the adoptive parents they would write and share photos - all lies. We never saw or heard from her until I went to the Social Services and got the mediator.

I know forgiveness is vital. I forgave the rapist long time ago. I don´t think I can forgive myself. How do I even begin?

My comment about imminent death and poverty is based on my charity work in Asian countries where I have seen that it is impossible for many mothers to care for their babies. It is also based on my adoptive daughter´s views. Her real mother is the most important figure in her life, although she is dead. So it should be. I am not about to diminish that, the way my role was diminished.

I am so grateful for your warm and thoughtful replies. My thoughts are with the other birthmothers who replied.

I´m still a bit lost, but I feel better because I found this website and there are more answers.

Thanks again,

Liliana