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i just want to say that you are not alone. a lot of birthmothers grow up and realize that they were under a lot of pressure from agencies/family/society at the time of relinquishment and wish they had had a chance to go back and change things.
i, too, am in reunion. when people ask me if i regret my choice, i say no, because my daughter had a wonderful family and a beautiful life. but i do regret my decision because i was unaware that i had other choices, because i was not prepared for the emotional consequences, and because it left me with a hole in my heart that nothing has ever been quite able to fill. and yes, because on top of all that, i constantly hear negative comments about birthmothers and know that we are judged harshly.
we can't change the past, but i for one am really focusing on undoing the damage that was done 23 years ago when i was told i didn't deserve a chance to love and keep my own child. i do my best to educate others about the realities of adoption, so that other women have a better chance of making a decision that is an informed decision. i focus on being grateful for the chance to have my daughter back in my life. and i let myself grieve for the little lost baby i let go of so many years ago.
in my opinion, people who judge birthmothers harshly simply have no experience or education about the adoption process and what it entails for a birthmother. i don't tell everyone i meet that i have a bdaughter, but i have always shared with my close friends and boyfriends. if they didn't respond well, i crossed them off my list.
my one comfort is that i know i did the best i could do for her. i made the ultimate sacrifice for my daughter, and she has benefited from that. if i had received the exact same information i received then, but instead of adoption it was "you must kill yourself", i would be dead now for 23 years. i know i am proud of myself for doing what i thought was best for her, no matter what anyone says. but yes, it still hurts when other people treat you like you are shameful, and you have a right to your feelings.
i just wanted you to know i'm glad you are talking about it. i know there are a lot of women out there that feel the same as you. i wish you luck in learning to appreciate yourself and know that you did the best you could.
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