[marythemom]

We did deal with this. Our children had been separated the entire time they were in foster care. When our son was in the birth home he was abusive and had punched his, then 4 year old, sister in the face (he was a big kid even then). She also witnessed at least one of his suicide attempts.

She appeared to worship him and looked forward to their sibling visits, but over the last year and a half we've realized that this was probably more due to fear. She always tried to anticipate his wants. Everytime either of them raged or had a meltdown (which was often the first 6 months) they triggered each other (think PTSD). We worried alot that they had a trauma bond, and that neither would be able to heal while the other was around.

Our son going to an RTC was the best thing that could have happened to our daughter. Right before he left, he got injured when my husband had to restrain him after our son tried to cut himself with razors (again) and then attacked my husband. The state removed both children during the investigation. They were only gone a week, but we discovered a few months after our son went to the RTC, that our daughter was convinced that if (to her it was when) he had to leave our home that she would have to go too.

Once we convinced her that if he left she would not have to, she finally felt secure enough to really start bonding with us. Without the chaos of an out of control brother, our lives began to meld. We very seriously considered never allowing him to come back. If he hadn't made such a dramatic turnaround we wouldn't have. We could not continue to allow our other children to be exposed to that kind of trauma.

You do have to know that it is up to the caseworkers to allow children to be adopted separately. Our caseworkers decided it would be OK, but they don't have to. Some decide that keeping the kids together is more important then having them adopted. Sounds stupid, but there ya go!