[Jackiejdajda]

shadow riderer

Jackie, you can see my thoughts. For me, being volnerable, has always been seen, at least in the eyes of most people around me,, and thus me, as weakness. Weakness did not equal survival in my world. As a child, I learned that being the center of attention was never a good thing.

And allowing ourselves to be vulnerable is the way out of it.. Admitting the inability to control the thing is the power..
Its pure..

Creativity was always crushed to make room for conformity. My creative successes were not appreciated, much less acknowledged, and shrugged off as nothing, so I learned to hide them.

Crazymakers.. in the book she talks about crazymakers.. Week 2

Page 40

Whether they appear as your overbearing mother, your manic boss, your needy friend, or your stubborn spouse, the crazymakers in your life share certain destructive patterns that make them poisonous for any sustained creative work..

Others controlling others.. and the person being controlled allowing it..
The trick is to sort why.. and this is part of the lessons of AW..

She teaches us to recognize when we are in a (quote page 49) “tortured tango with a crazymaker, stop dancing to his/her tune.”
She goes on to say look at our codependency issues..

Its like we give ourselves permission to be ourselves..
Its like when I used to read self help books and say.. “That’s me and that’s me again” what I was missing was that I actually had to do the work of sorting this.. I tell the story of my mom paying me for drawings and in turn IMO destroying my ability to be creative and vulnerable.. able to make a bad drawing.. That’s still in me..

The result of this was to hide my drawings, and eventually to stop. It also caused me major stage fright issues to the point of blanking out when called up on to perform...not a good thing for someone who plays a musical instrument. lol I was working on overcoming this issue, but it seems that reunion has crushed my passion for playing. I need to get it back.

From the side of the page.. 47

What I am actually saying is that we need to be willing to let our intuition guide us, and then be willing to follow that guidance directly and fearlessly..

Shakti Gawain..

I am.. I work every day to stand in my shoes.. and be who I am..
And if anyone does not like who I am.. and does not like my work.. then that is who they are.. and I can do nothing about that..
Being left behind.. core issue..
Not being good enough.. core issue.

Something that needs sorting..

I've been following this thread. With all you guys have posted, I'm going to get this book. I hope you don't mind if I keep following along, but I don't want to intrude. I think I would prefer to stay a lurker for now. , and I'm really excited about the book.

I did not know where to put this thread.. I looked before I started and I could not put it in General as I knew or think we all will be vulnerable and Kathy is such a good moderator..
All are welcome to post in it.. I honor that you are with us..

Obviously, due to the being blind thing, I can no longer draw. The last picture I drew was done about 10 years ago, and it was the first I had attempted in many years. It was a charcoal of a stallions head. The only person who has seen it has been my husband. I don't really know why, but a few months ago, I mentioned to my husband that I had been thinking about framing it. Well, he took it, and framed it for me. It's hanging in my hall for anyone to see. I never would have considered doing something like that without his encouragement. I have to admit,it's not my best work, but it really feels good to know it is there...hanging on the wall...for anyone to see, and the fact that I can't se it is a good thing. I wont know when anyone may be looking at it...less anxiety. lol Hanging it was a baby step in saying, "Look at me. See what I did."

You are strong woman.. And you have done so much in sorting what we need to sort..
I hope you add to this thread with your wisdom.. hard fought for..

I have a hard time showing my work.. hanging it up.. I have a piece I will not finish because its ear marked to be sent to my niece for her wedding gift.. so I do not finish it and in turn it cant be sent..

I appologize for the highjack, but Jackie, you inspire me..Thank you for all you do.

When I see that you have posted.. in a thread I settle down with my coffee and read with care..

No highjack here..

Jackie