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I came back to my own house, a week ago, after staying with my parents for the 3 weeks after delivering. I just unpacked my things today, after avoiding it. All of my maternity clothes, and some of Z's clothes that I kept. Man, that was tough. I felt like I was packing him away. I had a couple of good days, the past few days and it seems whenever I'm alone all day I sit and fester.
I won't be able to see my counselor for two weeks and my Mom told me the other day that she doesn't want to burden me too much with talking to me about all of it. Not that she WONT talk to me about it, just that she doesn't make me feel any worse than I already do. I'm not explaining that well, because she is being extremely supportive.
Man, I miss him. And this might sound weird, but I'm tired of missing him. I guess what I mean is that I'm tired of the pain that comes with missing him. I want to be able to think about him and not feel lost. I want to stop having that thought, "it's not too late to change my mind". I still have about 15 days to change my mind, according to the paperwork. It would be the worst thing I could do for Z, but it doesn't stop me from thinking about it, selfishly.
Ok, I'm done venting. Thanks for listening.
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